


(don’t you) forget about me

by hypegirl



Category: NCT (Band), WAYV
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Attempt at Humor, Badly Timed Jokes, Bisexuality, Character Turned Into a Ghost, Coming Out?????, Coming of Age, Crack, Dark Comedy, Dark Crack, Emotional Baggage, Family Issues, Ghosts, Inspired by Dear Evan Hansen, Kinda?, Light Angst, Love Triangles, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, POV Alternating, POV Third Person Limited, Questioning Sexuality, Renle, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, THESE TAGS IM LOSING IT, Tendery, Tension, This Ship Was An Accident, Xiaodery, Xiaoyang, but it’s all very fast paced, depression lmao, gay shit, ghosty bois, henxiao, idk - Freeform, kind of, lmao no, really short chapters sorry, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:40:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 23,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22381237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hypegirl/pseuds/hypegirl
Summary: Accidental Suicide- The act of killing oneself in a way that appears to have been intended, but actually wasn’t.Sometimes bad shit happens to good people.Alternative title: None of This Would Have Happened If I Had Done My Homework
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Wong Kun Hang | Hendery, Huang Ren Jun & Zhong Chen Le, Liu Yang Yang/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Wong Kun Hang | Hendery/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun
Comments: 241
Kudos: 78





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hiya guys were back with a new series! i’m sorry, there won’t be a regular update schedule. i got shit going on and this was just an idea. 
> 
> i would recommend the dear evan hansen soundtrack, but if you’re dumb like me and put it on shuffle play you’ll confuse the fuck out of yourself. conclusion, listen to what you want.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: this fic references suicide, suicidal actions and thoughts, death (generally), mental illness, drug abuse, panic attacks, and involves other,, y'know,, thematic elements--but it’s not at all serious or particularly dark. i know it sounds like a horrible thing to write something non-serious about the aforementioned stuff, but you’ll see how it (kinda) works out.
> 
> as always, too lazy and tired to proofread. please don’t hate me.
> 
> 4/27/20- if you notice any grammar errors, plEase tell me. i find it hard to focus on a plot when grammar is shitty, so please do not hesitate to point anything you catch out!!
> 
> 5/1/20- wow this SERIOUSLY gets better the further you get. the start is a mess but i promise it’s.. worth it? maybe?
> 
> 5/13/20- ignore me. it’s bad and then it gets better and then worse again. consider yourselves warned.
> 
> 5/27/20- why are my worst fics literally the most popular uAGH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3/29/20- hopefully you guys don’t mind typos xx

_Dear Xiaojun,_

_Today might be a good day. Maybe. I feel like if I say stuff like that I’ll jinx it._

_But, seriously, even though life as a whole may not be going too well for me, I feel optimistic._

_What’s to come has to be better than what has happened before, right?_

_Right?_

_God, sometimes I feel like an absolute idiot. This whole letter thing makes me feel like a time traveler with having an existential crisis._

_I’ve said the word “feel” an ungodly amount of times already. Fuck feelings._

_Wait, isn’t that a song or something? Whatever. I’m getting sidetracked._

_Yeah. Basically all I have to say today is that I’m strangely happy._

_Which is new._

_I’ve been around too many happy kids._

_...Like Yangyang._

_I know y’all were waiting for me to mention him, it’s been like two days since I last talked about him._

_He’s so perpetually annoying, with that dumb smile that looks like he just set up a prank and is waiting for you to fall for it._

_Stupid smile. Stupid boy._

_And yet, he has the kind of personality that makes you feel disgustingly light, as if everything’s going to be ok._

_It makes you forget that anything bad has ever happened to you, and encourages you to forget the past and look forward to the future._

_It’s dangerous, for someone like me._

_But somehow, after having spent most of my life loving him, I seem to be doing alright. At least for now._

_And I just spent the vast majority of this letter talking about that idiot boy._

_Whatever. I guess I should stop here, then._

_Sincerely,_

_Me_

And thus began the Walk of Shame. 

This wasn’t any regular Walk of Shame. This one was reserved specifically for Xiaojun, and any other kid who may find him or herself in a similar predicament. 

Aforementioned predicament being a somewhat eccentric therapist.

Xiaojun had been skeptical about the whole “write letters to yourself” thing ever since he’d heard of it.

But, here he was, about to partake in the dreaded Walk for the second time that week.

For further context, the Walk was the short journey between Xiaojun’s designated computer in the school library and the printer.

It was often accompanied by Xiaojun standing guard by the printer, probably looking quite like an idiot, in order to prevent any unwanted eyes on his.. weird existential crisis letters. 

Especially today. 

Today, he was halfway across the library when he felt someone ramming into him from the side. Even better, the side that was already afflicted with a broken arm. 

That was a real classy story, that one. Xiaojun preferred not to go into detail.

Being nothing more than ‘a twig with considerable eyebrows’, in the words of Renjun, Xiaojun was thrown off his path, only to skid a few feet on the low-pile carpet, giving himself a nice, refreshing case of rug burn, and, to top it all off, hit his head at the foot of the printer. 

He lifted his head slightly, to see, kneeling on the floor across from him, a familiar looking boy who had busied himself with picking up and re-stacking a substantial number of thick books.

They made eye contact for a brief moment, and Xiaojun saw the boy scamper over with horror in his eyes, quite reminiscent of a deer in headlights, despite his not being caught off guard. 

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry... Are you okay? It seems like you hit your head pretty hard, oh my god, I’m such a fUcking klutz, I’m—“ 

Xiaojun looked up into the boy’s large amber eyes, taking note of the way he rambled...

This was definitely a kid who’d spent a lot of time with Yangyang. 

Not that he cared, or anything. 

“No, no, no, I’m.. I’m perfectly fine.” Xiaojun scrambled up off the floor, brushing his jeans off with his free hand and, consequently, drawing attention to his cast. 

“Oh god.” The boy started again, standing up and running a hand through his wavy brown hair. “Your arm...”

“Yeah, it’s broken. I’m aware.” Xiaojun flinched at how sharp his statement had come out, and how the other boy seemed to have recoiled. His eyes widened as he desperately tried to fix his mistake. “I... uh... You wanna sign it?” 

Ooh, yes. We stan voice cracks. Xiaojun winced as ‘ _sign_ ’ came out more like ‘ _sigNnE_ ’, but the boy seemed to brighten up almost instantaneously, subtly whipping out a Sharpie and twirling it between his fingers. 

“Really? After I.. I mean...” 

“Oh, yeah, no, no biggie. Go ahead.” Xiaojun followed the boy’s gaze down to his blank cast as he slowly lifted the Sharpie. 

_Hendery_ ,  he managed to read upside down, smiling slightly at the way his name was written the long way as to take up the entire front side of the cast.

Xiaojun (finally) pieced together where he’d seen the boy before. This was Yangyang’s adopted older brother, infamous for getting himself into sticky situations that weren’t nearly as easy to get out of. 

Don’t get him wrong, Xiaojun was sure Hendery wasn’t a bad person, he just seemed.. to end up in the wrong place at the wrong time more often than not. 

Hendery backed up with an unnecessarily wide grin. 

Stupid anime lookin’ ass, just like his brother. 

And at that exact moment, while Xiaojun was unapologetically staring at his crush’s brother, who was still doodling what looked like a heart on his cast, the printer decided to spit out a copy of Xiaojun’s letter, falling right before Hendery’s feet. 

Xiaojun froze, watching Hendery’s eyes dart up to meet his before his gaze was directed downward to the piece of printer paper between them.

“Oh, wait, uh, you don’t—“

_ Well, fuck. _

Xiaojun could barely process the panic that he supposed he should have been feeling before Hendery knelt down to pick the letter up off the ground.

“That’s—“ Xiaojun voice cracked again, raising a hand to tentatively place at the nape of his neck.

He watched as Hendery’s eyes scanned the page, his own expression transforming to horror as the other boy looked up to meet his eyes.

Xiaojun remained silent for fear of letting out something comparable to a squeak. 

“You...I..”

“Yup.” Xiaojun replied, gritting his teeth as Hendery’s face darkened. 

“That’s my brother.” 

“I— I’m aware.” 

_ Really?  I’m aware? _

Fuckin’ idiot. 

Hendery didn’t look mad, per se. Just concerned.

Quite concerned. 

Xiaojun watched as he quietly folded up the note and tucked it in his pocket, before turning on his heel and walking away. 

Which left Xiaojun standing like an idiot in front of the printer, as usual, but for different reasons. 

That was, until Hendery backpedaled, grin reappearing after a second of hesitation. 

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out. I’m not gonna, like, tell him or anything. I mean, I’m obviously somewhat protective, which I hope you can understand—“

Xiaojun nodded vigorously.

“So, yeah. Don’t, uh, worry about it.” 

And then he disappeared again.

“Not... worried.” Xiaojun trailed off, muttering into the empty space before him as the bell sounded from above.

Liar. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is a little confusing at some parts, apart from the fact that it moves very fast because i’m lazy. apologies in advance for typos.
> 
> edit 8/25/20- i hate this chapter

Taking 3 5-hour energy shots and 17 Tylenols had seemed like a good idea at the time. 

Such is the kind of shit that happens when you’re sleep deprived and have 3 projects due the next day. 3 projects that you’re yet to start.

Hendery can attest to this. He was somewhat surprised to see that he actually woke up after. 

His first thought was ‘what the fuck why am I in my bathtub?’

The second being ‘wait, those stupid shots are supposed to keep you awake— why was I asleep?’ 

“Oi, Kunhang!” 

Hendery stumbled out of the bathroom, eyes narrowed at the voice. “Kun, you old fart—“ he murmured, knowing full well he’d get whooped if he was heard. 

“You and your fucking white boy name..” Kun continued, clang of pans and pots audible through the hallway. 

“How many white boys have you met with the name ‘Hendery’?” He raised his voice slightly, dragging his feet as he shuffled into the kitchen. 

“Where is that idiot boy?” Kun breathed, causing Hendery to furrow his brows with confusion.

“I’m...” 

Kun looked out into the hall, and Hendery cocked his head, lifted a hand to wave in front of his father’s face. 

“Yangyang! Check on your brother, please?” 

A non-committal sound was heard. 

“I’m right here though?” Hendery glanced back and forth, and he sprinted after Yangyang, who was making his way into his room. 

“What the fuck? I’m right here? Have both of you lost it?” 

He entered the bathroom after his brother, following the younger boy’s gaze from the spilled bottle of Tylenol laying on the mat, to the bathtub, where Hendery saw himself, lying with his knees tucked into his chest and his eyes closed.

It was a strangely godlike experience, Hendery decided, seeing himself like that. It didn’t even occur to him how strange it was. 

“What the hell?” Yangyang breathed, and Hendery near-silently echoed him. 

Yangyang knelt on the ground, face contorted with confusion. “Dad?” He called, listening as footsteps immediately sounded. 

“Bro, what’s happening, I’m—“ Hendery extended a hand to place on Yangyang’s shoulder, nervously chuckling when his brother had no reaction whatsoever. 

Kun rushed into the room, wide eyes darting around the scene before him, but completely surpassing the version of Hendery leaning against the wall. “Kun, something weird’s happening, please look at me..” 

But Kun only paid attention to the Hendery that had occupied himself with being unconscious. 

Hendery quickly started to panic, muttering a short stream of profane gibberish before managing, “Can you guys seriously not see me? Or hear me? I mean, this me? Why are there two of me? Guys, please, someone talk to me, I’m scared, I’m—“ 

“Yangyang, get my phone.”

As Yangyang rushed away, Hendery stopped for a moment to breathe and watch the look on Kun’s face.

Panic. Fear. That wasn’t right. 

He stepped back, kneeling next to Kun and staring wordlessly at his own face, frozen still with an expression of serenity. 

“Holy shit.” Hendery choked out, beginning to feel his throat close up with fear. 

It was all starting to make sense, in some nonsensical way. 

“I’m dead.” He giggled, despite himself. 

“I’m literally fucking dead.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and so the fun begins.


	3. Chapter 3

When the classroom phone rang halfway through third period the next day, sufficiently breaking through the thick silence of “independent work time”, Xiaojun ignored it. 

He remained oblivious as his math teacher’s eyes flicked up, first to him, and then his small group of friends, as she held the phone up to her ear. 

In fact, he barely noticed that anything was out of the ordinary until she approached him, the soft clicking of her heels against the linoleum tile prompting all of the other kids to tear their eyes away from their papers and up to her. 

“Dejun,” she whispered, hyper-aware of the kids staring at them, “Office.” 

It took approximately three minutes for Xiaojun to actually process the two words, before standing and rushing out the door.

This didn’t sound good. This didn’t sound good at all. Despite how sure he was that he hadn’t done anything wrong, there was still a twinge of worry tugging at the back of his mind.

It wasn’t until Xiaojun swerved into the open door of the main office, jamming his free hand into his pocket, that it slowly began to make sense.

An unfamiliar man was standing in the center of the small room, unease written across his own face, and the one of the boy standing beside him. 

Yangyang.

He was staring directly into the floor, brown bangs falling straight down as to obstruct his eyes. 

“I’ll give you some privacy.” The principal, who had been standing in the corner the entire time, quickly backed away. 

It wasn’t until the door closed behind him that Xiaojun noticed a small folded paper in the man’s hand.

His eyes slowly traveled down to Xiaojun’s cast, and his eyes, which were already red-rimmed and puffy, filled with tears. 

Before Xiaojun could get a word out, the man spoke up, his voice soft and hesitant. 

“Are you Xiaojun?” 

He nodded wordlessly, watching as the man extended a hand for him to shake. Xiaojun took it, confusion only growing. 

“I’m Kun. This is my son, Yangyang.” 

Yangyang nodded, but didn’t dare look up. 

Kun held the piece of paper out, brow furrowing as Xiaojun unfolded it. 

“Hendery never mentioned you. I.. I guess you guys must have been pretty close, though.” 

Xiaojun hadn’t looked down at the paper, conflicting thoughts swimming around his head. 

“I’m so sorry, please forgive me for asking, but— what exactly is going on here?” 

At this, Yangyang looked up, offering an expression comparable to a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “My brother’s dead.” He stated, without the slightest trace of sadness, before returning his gaze to the ground. 

And then, right as Xiaojun was partway through feeling his heart sink into somewhere deep in the pit of his stomach, he heard another voice. 

Familiar. 

_ “Jesus Christ, Yangyang, no wonder you’re acing Drama. 10/10 for that performance, man. You only had three words to say, and you delivered them with such emotion..bravo. That’s my baby brother, guys—“ _

“Xiaojun?” Kun asked softly, prompting Xiaojun to glance down to the letter, as the voice shut off like a switch in his brain.

His eyes widened as he recognized it, almost immediately, as his letter.

His stupid crazy therapist letter.

“If I’m not mistaken, I think he wanted you to, uh, have this. I mean, we found it in his pocket after—“ Kun’s voice catches, and they remain silent for a few moments as Xiaojun’s level of panic begins to escalate.

This cannot be happening. 

“It’s, I mean, it’s okay if you need some time. We’re just.. Yeah. We’re dealing. Ish.” Yangyang exhaled, words speeding up as he went on. 

And then, the voice returned, this time, directly to Xiaojun’s voice. He tightened his grip on the paper, trying not to make his unease obvious. 

_ “Oh, yeah. This is happening, buddy boy. Oh, god. I’m so sorry, this is all my fault. I’m so sorry. Xiaojun, I’m.. Just.. Ok. Whatever they say, just.. Shit!”  _

As inconspicuously as possible, Xiaojun turned his gaze to his side and nodded slightly, gesturing for the voice to follow him.

That was, if it wasn’t a hallucination. That was very probably. Right there, on the side of the bottle of anti-depressants he took every morning, under side effects, bAm, hallucinations. 

_ “Oh my god, can you hear me? I’m going insane, oh my god. Can you hear me? Can you see me? Blink if you can hear me, oh my god.”  _

And so Xiaojun blinked, turning his gaze down to the paper again. The voice’s whoop of joy was cut off by Kun, who had slowly garnered up the courage to speak again. 

“Would.. Would you like to come to dinner with us sometime?” 

Yangyang’s head snapped up suddenly, amber eyes wide as he gaped at his father. Xiaojun feared his reaction was far too similar. 

“Dad.” Yangyang hissed, only to be stopped by a timid Xiaojun. 

“Uh, sure. I’ll.. Yeah.” 

Kun brightened slightly, as his son looked nothing short of horrified. “Tomorrow night?” 

“Sure.” 

And as Xiaojun hesitantly stepped outside the door, the sound of his footsteps echoing in the silent hallway, the voice laughed with disbelief to his side.

_“Tell me you did not just do that.”_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi y’all i’ve returned from the dead
> 
> it’s been rough man
> 
> anyhoo happy jisung day :))) my babie jwhejwkekw
> 
> ok sorry

The abandoned apple orchard carried with it the mostly depressing but still somewhat comforting scent of half-dead leaves, Hendery noticed, shifting in his seat to better face a still-silent Xiaojun.

“I have to ask.” He began suddenly, causing Hendery to jolt slightly. “Am I hallucinating you?” 

_ “Sadly, no. It partially offends me that you’d think that.”  _

Xiaojun chuckled mirthlessly.

_“So, can you see me?”_ Hendery couldn’t help but feel ridiculous. 

“Nope.” 

_ “Ah.”  _

They sat in silence for a few moments until Xiaojun quietly spoke up again. “I can’t believe this happened. I.. How can I hear you?” 

Hendery shrugged, having forgotten that the other boy couldn’t see him. _“I don’t know. I’m also not sure why you gave up on the whole hallucination thing to quickly.”_

Xiaojun scoffed. “I guess, when a ghost tells you something, you believe it.” 

And that sentence sent Hendery reeling. 

Before he was even part of the way through his semi-existential crisis concerning his actual existence, Xiaojun turned to him. 

“I can kinda feel that you’re here. Maybe. Sorta. Not really. I wish.” 

Hendery blinked. _“I’m sorry, what?”_

“Ignore me.” Xiaojun blushed slightly, and damn if that wasn’t the cutest goddamn thing Hendery had seen in his entire life/death. 

Before we proceed, let’s get a few things clarified. 

Hendery was capital-S Straight. In fact, he was one of those boys who is so aggressively straight that he seems gay to anyone who may not know him. The fact that Hendery’s sense of style was always impeccable didn’t help that. 

No, no, like, legit. He was actually the most flamboyant, gayest straight boy who ever existed. Everyone knows one of those. 

*breaks the fourth wall to aggressively eyebrow wiggle and then start sobbing*

Anyways, Hendery felt as though it was necessary to establish that before his brain continued to dump all of his uwu’s onto the poor, poor boy next to him. 

And now he had a whole new existential crisis because this was wrong on all levels. 

It made sense. The crisis part. 

Considering that he now existed as an only-kind-of-self-aware-but-still-very-heterosexual ghost who was very, very slowly starting to catch feelings for this poor boy who he’d only spoken to once, and who also happened to have been coerced by none other than Kun into attending a predictably very uncomfortable family dinner. Taking into account Hendery’s recent death, which he still didn’t really understand.

Challenge mode: aforementioned poor boy happens to have a giant crush on Hendery’s germ of a little brother.

...

#relatable

“Did you just say #relatable out loud?” 

_ “Oh, shit, did I say all of that out loud?”  _

“No, but I swear, if I could see your face right now I bet you’d look like the spitting image of that math lady meme.” 

Hendery scrunched up his nose. _“Ew, that’s like, so dead.”_

“Says the one who uses hashtags.”

Hendery had expected something comparable to a ‘like you’, but it seemed Xiaojun wasn’t fully accepting of the fact yet either.

And just like that, they had settled (not really), into a kind of uncomfortable silence.

“Dinner. Tomorrow.” 

Hendery looked up. 

“You’re coming with me.” The desperation in Xiaojun’s voice was aLmost enough to convince Hendery right there, but also, like, no. 

_“Absolutely not.”_ His voice cracked slightly, but it wasn’t like anyone could see him turning red. 

And then Xiaojun went and _pouted, fucking pouted_ , and goddamn if that didn’t send Hendery straight into his fourth crisis of the one-hour-period. 

_“Fine.”_ He paused to examine the smug smile now creeping across Xiaojun’s sharp features. _“Oh, fuck off.”_


	5. Chapter 5

‘Tomorrow night’ had seemed awfully far away until it arrived.

Xiaojun had always hated those people who strung together series upon series of words and feelings in an order that only partially made sense, describing their strings of nonsense as emotions that humans had not yet created a word complex enough to encapsulate.

However, as he stood in front of a mirror, staring deadened into his reflection as if the same sad kid he had been seeing for the past 4 years would somehow change, and listening to his phone chime in the background with messages from his (only two) friends that he had no intentions of replying to, Xiaojun couldn’t help but think, _wow_. 

_ This? This is a whole vibe.  _

His next thought was something like, ‘if that ain’t an all time low I—“ 

And then his goddamned phone started ringing, and he had half a mind to chuck it 0.5 miles out his window into the adjacent apple orchard.

But you know what Xiaojun didn’t do? He didn’t do that. Because Xiaojun has self-control.

The meds made sure of that. 

So, the poor kid went and picked up the FaceTime call, greeted by a beep and slightly laggy video that appeared to show that the phone was being thrown across the room. 

He glanced at the window in the corner of his screen, making eye contact with himself and marveling at how utterly dead he looked before the rest of the screen lit up again.

“I’m so sorry, you picked up while I was halfway through chucking my phone across the room because you weren’t picking up.” Chenle offered what appeared to be a feeble smile, but Xiaojun couldn’t really tell since the drawstrings of his sweatshirt had been tightened to the point where only his twinkling eyes were visible.

His gaze drifted down to the bottom half of his screen, which was still black. 

“Renjunnie can’t be bothered to pick up.” Chenle replied by way of explanation, tilting his head so a single lock of straight blonde hair fell from the corner of his hoodie. 

Xiaojun grimaced. “Tell me you didn’t.” 

Chenle looked confused for an instant, but then loosened his the drawstrings so a full head of freshly bleached hair was now visible. “Oh, but I did. Anyways, we’re not here to talk about my 2 AM adventures. We’re here to discuss the fact that your ass went and said you were about to have dinner with a ghost and his fully alive family, and then proceeded to walk out of the room.” He continued, not allowing Xiaojun a minute to reply. “Dejun, you fucker, Renjun got 3 whole gray hairs worrying about your mental state.” 

Xiaojun was silent for a moment. “Okay, first of all, lAnguage— you aren’t the baby of the group for nothing.” 

Chenle protested.

“Second of all.. What was I gonna say?” 

As if on cue, Xiaojun’s phone let out another beep, but the bottom half of the screen did not light up. Instead, there was considerable scuffling accompanyingRenjun’s calm voice. “I believe you were about to explain the ghost situation.” 

Chenle cut him off. “Renjun, why the fuck is your phone faced down?” 

“The government.” Renjun dropped his voice. “They’re watching me.” 

“Bitch, they’re watching all of us.” 

“Fair enough.” 

Renjun appeared at the bottom of the screen, adjusting his thick glasses and shaking strands of deep brown hair away from his eyes. 

“It’s freaking 5 PM on a Friday, why do you look good—“ Chenle whined, stopping only as Renjun raised a hand. 

“Stop. You’re fucking gay.” 

Xiaojun cleared his throat, but not because he wanted attention. 

There was something like a sob and a laugh and a voice crack stuck in there, and Xiaojun feared he would choke on it or something. 

Because that’s how that works.

“Ah yes, now to address the actual gay one. You wanna, like, actually—“

“ActuallyIgottagoimmabelatei’lltexty’all!” Xiaojun managed, before hurriedly hanging up and collapsing onto his bed, only managing to scream into his pillow for a total of two seconds before his phone started ringing again and he realized he was _actually_ going to be late.

And that bitch ran like hell.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry i died there for a bit, failing exams takes something outta me 🤡 but i’ve left you guys a slightly longer chapter to compensate??? ahaha have fun

Hendery counted the minutes until Xiaojun arrived.

Unable to speak to anyone or really do anything in his house, he’d resorted to staring silently at the wall while Yangyang scrolled through channels on the TV with a blank expression and Kun shuffled through the kitchen, cooking.

It suddenly occurred to Hendery that this could be classified as haunting. 

Suddenly, even the most normal of actions felt wrong. He was just there, in his house, existing.

Well, not existing. 

At this point, Hendery felt it was more natural for him to be afraid of himself than to have anyone else be afraid of him. 

When the doorbell rang, Hendery nearly sprang up to get it before realizing that doors didn’t particularly acknowledge his presence either.

But when Xiaojun stepped in, prepared with an awkward smile and everything, Hendery, having picked up some acting techniques from Yangyang, was the definition of nonchalance. 

Until, of course, he remembered that no one could see him, and dropped his stiff imitation of someone.. not stiff. 

_“Took you fucking long enough.”_ He muttered, watching Xiaojun’s ears prick upwards as he picked up on the barely audible whisper, but still didn’t bother turning around.

Looks like Hendery wasn’t the only one with passable acting abilities. 

The dinner was rather uneventful up until a point. Hendery was leaned against a wall, silent except for whenever Xiaojun made a remark to try to break the tension, usually about Kun’s cooking. At those points, Hendery made sure to let out the most obnoxious snorts, and was thoroughly satisfied when Xiaojun’s eyes trained themselves once again on his food. 

At one point, the table had gotten so quiet that Yangyang was prompted to speak up. As he straightened up in his chair, Xiaojun followed suit, eliciting an eye roll from Hendery.

Even without him saying anything, one thing was evident: Xiaojun was Whipped. 

“I.. uh,” Yangyang’s gaze dropped to Xiaojun’s cast before he looked up to meet eyes with the other boy. “How’d you break your arm?” 

Hendery grimaced, but not before a horrible idea struck him. _“Tell them you were with me.”_

Xiaojun tilted his head ever so slightly.

_ “Ok, just say what I say.”  _

Hendery had absolutely no idea what he was doing, but he knew he had to save Xiaojun from the chorus of “uh’s” that served as his current reply. 

Before Hendery could even begin to formulate some elaborate story in his head, Xiaojun actually said something, catching everyone off guard.

“I fell out of a tree.” He said quietly, the tips of his ears turning red as Kun’s brow furrowed immediately. 

_“Good. Good start.”_ Hendery sighed. _“Um.. You were at the apple orchard.. with me—“_

“I was at the apple orchard.” Xiaojun’s voice dropped. “With Hendery.” 

He watched as Kun relaxed, but Yangyang suddenly stiffened. 

“It was stupid. I climbed a tree, and just, uh, fell.” The corner of Xiaojun’s mouth quirked upwards in a bittersweet half-smile that looked so genuine that Hendery was rendered speechless. 

At least, for the next five seconds.

Kun finally spoke up, soft and hesitant. “K- ah, Hendery, never really spoke about you.” It was evident that poor Kun had no idea where he was going with this. Neitherdid Yangyang, who seemed to sink down in his spot for a minute. 

Hendery, to the best of his ability, banged his head against the nearest wall. 

“Oh, um.. We really got close last summer, I guess.” At this point, Hendery could almost predict the moments in a conversation in which Xiaojun’s voice softened, as though telling a secret. He wondered for a section if he did that all the time, which led to a series of other thoughts that prompted Hendery to hurry back into the present, where the half-smile had reappeared on Xiaojun’s face. “We emailed.” 

_“From a secret account.”_ Hendery hissed, knowing full well that Kun had monitored literally all of his interactions. 

Xiaojun barely hesitated for a moment before repeating what Hendery had said, and his eyebrows shot up when Kun smiled, satisfied. 

“That makes sense, I guess.” 

Yangyang scooted his chair back a bit, which created a less-than-pleasant scraping noise, and directed Hendery’s attention to him. “I don’t know what he would have said.” He muttered, voice lacking any tones of annoyance or frustration, or really any form of emotion. 

“Sorry, what?” Xiaojun managed to be the epitome of polite concern even though Hendery could sense the oncoming panic attack. 

“Oh, nothing. It’s just that he was kinda, you know,” Yangyang dropped his voice. “Antisocial.” 

_ “Ouch, okay.”  _

Xiaojun didn’t even bother thinking through his response, and Hendery was honestly kind of terrified and impressed by this kid’s acting skills. “I wouldn’t have thought that. He always seemed very open and enthusiastic, talking a lot about his life, and y-you.” He shot Yangyang a bright smile to cover up his (like, fourth) voice crack.

The younger boy did not look convinced in the least. 

Kun remained impartial. 

“I mean, I could show them to you.” 

At that point, Hendery, despite not really needing to breathe, choked on air. _“What the fuck? Are you, like, dumb or something?”_

Yangyang straightened up slightly. “Okay.” 

“Okay?” 

_“Fuck.”_ Hendery hit his head against the wall again.

“Okay.” 

Just as Xiaojun was preparing to leave, Hendery made sure to hiss a parting suggestion at him. _“Leave something behind.”_

The other boy tilted his head slightly, but subtly pushed his coat to the seat of his chair as directed. 

_“So that you can come back.”_ Hendery somehow managed to keep a stutter from his voice. 

Xiaojun stood, and Hendery could tell he was pretending to understand. 

_“You’re a fucking idiot, you know that?”_ He muttered, watching Xiaojun walk out the door. 

“He seems like a nice boy.” Kun remarked wistfully, earning a soft snort from Yangyang. 

“I’m sure he is.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and it progresses. 
> 
> 3/1- before i forget, i should tell y’all i’m gonna take a break from this fic for a bit, because i’ve kinda lost motivation and i’ve recently been struck with a series of new ideas, and i want to write at least one of them now to distract myself from this train wreck. i will be back, and probably won’t be gone for too long. 
> 
> keep yourselves safe, everyone!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hate this goddamned fic

“Okay, I’m not sure I’m understanding you right.” Chenle had a baseball cap jammed over his shock of platinum blonde hair, which, Xiaojun quickly learned, stood out with a brilliance comparable to the sun when light hit it. 

Staring at people’s hair was Xiaojun’s preferred method of avoiding eye contact. 

It was kinda weird. 

Renjun sighed. “Honestly, I don’t even know with you two anymore.” 

He cleared his throat before snatching Chenle’s cup of boba and taking a sip from the bright green straw. 

Chenle was quick to respond, directing his attention away from Xiaojun, to Renjun’s immediate despair. “You can’t call me gay anymore, you know.” 

“Why’s that?” 

Chenle smirked, and Xiaojun was about to get popcorn or some shit. 

“That was an indirect kiss.” 

Renjun glanced at the straw, then back to Chenle before sliding the cup back across the table. “You nasty bitch.” 

Chenle smirked, then took another sip of tea. 

“Alright!” Renjun clapped just hands to draw Xiaojun’s attention away from his rapidly reddening cheeks. “Can we get back to what’s important? Please?” 

“Yeah, Renjun and his straight pride flag can wait.” 

“I do not have a straight pride flag, you—“ 

“—Revolting whore, yes, I know, thanks. Weren’t you saying something about getting back to the important stuff, though?” Chenle smiled smugly, receiving an obnoxiously loud scoff from Renjun. 

Xiaojun, who had been watching in silence with a confused-but-still-entertained kind of smirk on his face suddenly remembered what was going on. He snapped back into Serious Dejun mode almost immediately. 

“I can’t believe I just told you I’m friends with a ghost and in love with his misanthropic brother and you guys are, like, okay with it.” 

“Who says we’re okay with it?” Renjun chuckled. “Reaction formation, my dude.” 

“As for the email situation—“ Chenle started, but Xiaojun promptly slammed his head against the table. 

“I still don’t have a fucking plan, man. Don’t remind me.” 

Chenle smiled. “That’s good, because I do.” 

“Let me guess.” Renjun rolled his eyes. “You’ve got a cousin for that?” 

“No, I— Damn you, Huang Renjun.” 

Zhong Chenle had a cousin for everything.Dance lessons? Sicheng. Need to kill a bitch? Yixing. Fake emails? 

“Lucas.” Chenle grinned demonically, pleased with himself.

“Lucas?” Renjun repeated. “The fuck kind of name is that?” 

“He’s got like, 20 names. I like Lucas because it sounds the coolest.” 

Xiaojun had taken to staring intently at his fingernails. 

“I.. I dunno if I want to get other people involved, okay?” 

That was only partially true; Xiaojun was really just embarrassed of the mess he’d gotten himself into. 

“Oh, c’mon.” Chenle swatted at him. “It’s not like he’s gonna tell anyone.” 

And for the first time in a long time, Renjun agreed with him. 

That was how Xiaojun found himself on facetime, a week later, with Renjun, Chenle, and a square that was yet to be lit up. 

Hendery was beside him, laughing as his friends bickered. 

_“Bro, your friends are... highkey gay for each other.”_

Xiaojun snorted. “Whatever you say, mate.” 

_ “Mate? We’re Australian now?”  _

“You remember the exchange program last year?” 

Hendery didn’t respond for a moment, too absorbed in whatever Renjun was shrieking. 

_ “What, you mean the two Australian kids who were also Korean and the Korean kid who tried to convince everyone he was Australian? Sure.”  _

“I dunno, I just remembered that now.” 

This seemingly random remark drew Chenle’s attention quickly to Xiaojun. “Man, who’re you talking to? Wait, don’t tell me— is ghosty boi there! Hi ghosty boi!” 

Hendery doubled over laughing. 

“You’re not taking this very seriously, you know.” Renjun remarked.

“Please tell me you’re joking. He’s got a dead bestie and a depressed gay love interest, you really want me to—”

At this moment, the still dark corner of the screen lit up. 

A boy, probably around their age, who was typing furiously into a laptop that was only partially on the screen. The dark words against the stark white page reflected off the lenses ofhis round glasses. 

Xiaojun’s phone beeped loudly to signal the boy’s entrance into the call. 

“Chenle, what are you...” The boy paused, finally looking into his phone and squinting. 

“W-Who are you guys?” 

Xiaojun was surprisingly the first to introduce himself. “I’m, uh, Xia- ah, Dejun. You’re...” He trailed off, not wanting to appear stalkerish. 

_“Conventionally Attractive TM.”_ Hendery exhaled from beside him, stifling a laugh as Xiaojun rolled his eyes. 

“Lucas.” 

“And I’m Renjun. Pleasure to meet you.” 

Chenle scowled at Renjun’s cheery disposition. “Damn it, bro. Why can’t you just be ugly or something?” 

Lucas looked perplexed, glancing between the two screens before him before replying only semi-consciously, “Sorry, what?” 

“Uh, guys, can we—“ Xiaojun was almost scared to speak. 

Renjun sighed loudly. “Yeah, we should probably get going.” 

“Get going on what?” Lucas asked. 

Chenle sighed, mocking the way Renjun had done the same seconds ago. “It’s kind of a long story.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can’t fucking write for shit 
> 
> anyways none of y’all get corona or i’ll murder your bitchasses and steal your photo cards while i’m at it


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok idk why but writing this chapter was so fun for me i know y’all probably won’t find it that funny but i honestly am motivated which is new??? so yeah this mediocre chapter just saved the entire fic and it’s also the longest chapter i’ve ever written, almost 1k
> 
> writing long stuff is really hard for me because i have a really short attention span and get bored easily so i’m quite proud of myself even though it might not seem like much
> 
> alright that’s all enjoy!!!

“.. And then he  _ died _ , but Dejun here was probably gay for the both of them.” Chenle finished, gauging Lucas’s reaction. 

In the past few minutes, Hendery had been able to form some half-baked ideas of what kind of people Xiaojun’s friends were. 

He had to say he was surprised that someone as quiet and calm as Xiaojun could cooperate with such.. Crackheads. For lack of a better term, of course. 

Lucas peered into the screen, brow furrowing. “H-how? How did you manage to do that?” He addressed Xiaojun, whose subtle eyeroll was noticed only by Hendery. 

“Once again, it’s kind of complicated. We just— I’m sorry, I barely know you, but I desperately need help and Chenle says...” 

Lucas swatted at him. “Alright, alright. We all know what Chenle says, it’s not a matter of that.” 

As if on cue, Chenle giggled softly. 

Renjun looked vastly uninterested. “Okay, but can we just write the emails? I’ve gotta sleep, you know.” 

“Renjun, it’s literally 9 pm, calm down.” 

Nevertheless, they started writing the emails. They’d only gotten about half a sentence in before Hendery realized, peering over Xiaojun’s shoulder into his computer screen, how chaotic this would be. 

So far, they had 

‘Dear Xiaojun,’

And nothing else. 

(Technically, Chenle had gone so far as to type ‘I rub my’ before Xiaojun and Renjun simultaneously slammed their screens down, leaving Lucas to kick Chenle out of the document. Now he just sat there, protesting relentlessly.) 

Renjun sighed. “I can’t believe that 3, sorry, 3.5?” Hendery shrugged, realizing belatedly that he was still invisible. “Well, some number of guys can’t write a single email when we’ve probably written millions in our lifetimes.” 

_ “Millions? I thought we were slightly more technologically advanced than that.”  _ Hendery remarked offhandedly, garnering a snort from Xiaojun. 

A few more words appeared on the screen, courtesy of Lucas. 

‘We’ve been way too out of touch. Life’s been pretty hectic, but it’s kinda shitty that we don’t get to talk as much.’

_ “I mean, it kinda sounds like something I would say?”  _

“‘Kinda’ is good.” Xiaojun muttered. 

A comment popped up on the side of the document. 

**zhong chenle:** guys can you 🅱️leez give me editing access. 

Renjun pretended to think about it. “Nah. Also, you could have just said it, we’re still on the call.” 

Chenle only stuck his tongue out and continued commenting.

**zhong chenle:** i hate all of you 

**zhong chenle:** renjun is gay 

**Huang Renjun:** Literally what the fuck. 

_ “Seems pretty straight to me, I mean.” _ Hendery leaned slightly forward to see the screen better. 

**Xiao Dejun:** hendery says you seem pretty straight.

**Huang Renjun:** See? No one ever listens to me. 

**Wong Yukhei/Huang Xuxi/Lucas:** I listen to you! :)

**zhong chenle:** yo who said you could have such a long screen name what the hell

**Huang Renjun:** We’re all still on a call why is no one talking? 

Xiaojun’s phone beeped as the call ended. Hendery laughed. 

**Xiao Dejun:** yeah that’s all well and good please can we focus

**‘zhong chenle changed Wong Yukhei/Huang Xuxi/Lucas’s screen name to lucass’**

**lucass:** Wait, how do you do that? 

**lucass:** What the heck? 

**Huang Renjun:** f o c u s

**‘Xiao Dejun changed lucass’s screen name to Lucas Wong’**

**zhong chenle:** damn that sounds too fancy tho. lucass was better. 

**Lucas Wong:** You’re no longer my favorite cousin. 

**zhong chenle:** i knew it. you always loved mingrui more than me. 

**Huang Renjun:** F O C A S

**Huang Renjun:** **U 

**zhong chenle:** fucas. 

**Huang Renjun:** nO

**Lucas Wong:** No. 

**Xiao Dejun:** guys please

**‘zhong chenle changed Lucas Wong’s screen name to fucass’**

Xiaojun threw his hands up and closed out of the comment window in favor of staring at the virtually blank document. 

A few minutes had passed, and Xiaojun (with minimal prompting from a thoroughly amused Hendery) had written almost the entire email. He then turned the comments back on.

**Xiao Dejun:** are you guys done? 

**zhong chenle:** no 

**Lucagshqjswjsjwk:** Sorry, I’ll read what you’ve got. 

**Xiao Dejun:** renjun, please fix lucas’s name. 

**‘Huang Renjun changed Lucagshqjswjsjwk’s screen name to Lucas Wong’**

**Lucas Wong:** Guys, Dejun already wrote the whole first email. 

**Xiao Dejun:** yeah.

**zhong chenle:** and? 

**Huang Renjun:** I mean it’s good but why do you just have ‘i’ve got to tell you life without you has been’ and then just stopped there. 

**Xiao Dejun:** i didn’t know what to put there. life without you has been hard? has been bad?

**Huang Renjun:** has been rough

**zhong chenle:** kinky 

**Lucas Wong:** ‘and i miss talking about life and... other stuff’

_ “Very specific.”  _ Hendery snickered.

“Shut up.” 

**Huang Renjun:** Lmao ok

**Lucas Wong:** ‘i like my family’ 

**zhong chenle:** who says that? 

**Xiao Dejun:** i love my family, but things seem kind of tense. 

_ “‘Kun thinks I’m doing drugs, but that’s okay. Well, no it’s not.’ Bro, how did you know?”  _ Hendery skimmed the rest of the document. 

Xiaojun shrugged. “I’m winging it. You’ve gotta tell me if anything inaccurate, though. You’re here for a reason.” 

_ “Really? I thought I was just here for entertainment.”  _

Xiaojun passively scoffed and rolled his eyes, but damn if that didn’t even partially bring Hendery back to life.

Then again, that wasn’t a very heterosexual thought to be having. 

Hendery contemplated whether sexuality was still a thing for ghosts. 

He should probably make some ghost friends. 

**Lucas Wong:** ‘i’ll take your advice and try to be more nice. we’ll turn this all around, just wait and see. sincerely, me.’

_ “Hey, that’s pretty good.”  _

“Mhm.” 

**zhong chenle:** ok great now are we done

**Xiao Dejun:** what? no! 

_ “Didn’t think you were the exclamation point kind.”  _

“Trust me, this is the first time I’ve used one.” 

**Xiao Dejun:** i mean, we need to have more than one email. i’m trying to prove that we were actually friends. 

**Huang Renjun:** oH my god.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had to sing the song so many times in my head and i still think i screwed it up but that’s ok
> 
> p.s. it’s snowing like hell where i am rn


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i tried i really did 
> 
> another long chapter for y’all because quarantine has me completely d e a d.

_“Hey, how come everyone calls you Dejun except, well, us?”_

Xiaojun paused his (slow) typing and turned in the direction of the voice. “Well, the way I look at it, Xiaojun and Dejun are two different people. I mean, they’re both me, but—“ 

_“Schizophrenia?”_

“No...” 

_“Identity crisis?”_

“Kind of. It’s complicated, just— you can call me whatever you want.” 

Xiaojun turned back to his computer once he was sure Hendery wouldn’t reply. Quite honestly, he’d just introduced himself weirdly and ended up structuring different personalities around each name. 

There should be a medicine for self-doubt.

The right side of his computer screen lit up again. 

**zhong chenle:** lowercase if you say another word about trees i will personally fly to hong kong and bash your skull in

 **LOWERCASE:** I’m sorry, I don’t know what he’s into!

 **Huang Renjun:** Well it sure as hell isnt trees. 

Xiaojun exhaled loudly and glanced over to where the document’s second email started. 

‘Dear Hendery,

I also miss our talks. I’m sorry about the drugs thing, but there’s really nothing you can do about it. 

You know what? I’m proud of you. You should relax, though. Take some time to breathe and think about yourself. 

I’m sending pictures of the most amazing trees’

All after that had been speedily backspaced by Chenle.

**Xiao Dejun:** i don’t think trees are the most believable interest for me. 

Hendery spoke up. _“I mean, you did say you fell out of one when you broke your arm.”_

Xiaojun considered this.

**Xiao Dejun:** i don’t know what to say though. 

**Huang Renjun** : You know what it’s fine leave it just don’t say anything else about trees.

 **LOWERCASE:** Okay! :D

**‘Xiao Dejun changed LOWERCASE’s screen name to Lucas’**

**‘zhong chenle changed Lucas’s screen name to the worst cousin ever’**

**‘Huang Renjun put zhong chenle on View Only mode’**

Xiaojun sighed. He really did love his friends. He did. But they were just so... Much. 

**Huang Renjun:** Ok but if we leave that bit in we actually have to find pictures of trees. Who the hell has pictures of trees. 

**‘the worst cousin ever sent 2 attachments’**

**Huang Renjun:** I guess that answers that question. 

Only partially paying attention to the conversation, Xiaojun began passively scrolling through his own camera roll. 

Turns out he did have a grand total of one picture involving a tree. More specifically, him standing in front of a tree with a visibly broken smile. 

Xiaojun frowned. He recalled that only a few minutes after the photo was taken, the scene would involve him on the ground with his arm bent at an impossibly angle, completely alone, and left to consider that jumping out of a tree is not, in any way, a satisfactory way to die. 

He paused to consider it yet again. Honestly, who had ever heard of someone killing themself by jumping out of a goddamned tree? You’d probably sound like a fucking idiot. 

“Hendery..” 

_“Hm?”_

Xiaojun startled, he hadn’t really expected a reply. He turned to face the empty space from which the voice had come. 

“How did you die?” 

He felt the air sort of freeze around him, a tension suddenly growing out of nowhere. 

“I’m sorry. That was a stupid question.” 

There was a second of silence before Hendery spoke up. _“No, it’s a fine question. I overdosed on Tylenol and those dumb energy shots. Stupid, I know.”_ His voice dropped to a barely audible mutter. _“I don’t even fucking know why I took Tylenol in the first place.”_

Xiaojun nodded, turning to his screen but then back to where he assumed Hendery was seated. “Did you, uh..” 

_“Did I..?”_

“Did you want to do it?” 

_“Ah. You know, that’s the first time some has asked me that. I mean, no, that doesn’t make sense. Nobody knows I’m, like, here, but I don’t think anyone thought about that.”_

Xiaojun raised an eyebrow. 

_“Honestly, no. Absolutely not. I fucking hate being dead, man. It’s..”_ Hendery paused to breathe. _“It’s not all that it’s cracked up to be.”_

“I’m sorry.” Xiaojun replied meekly. 

_“No, no.”_ Xiaojun could imagine the forced smile on Hendery’s face, and it kind of scared him. _“It’s fine, really. It was my own fault.”_

Immediately, Xiaojun’s computer chimed again, slicing right through the somber atmosphere. He sighed. 

**Huang Renjun:** Hey lover boy are you gonna help us?

It took Xiaojun a second to realize he was being addressed. He tried his best not to blush furiously. 

**Xiao Dejun:** yeah, i’m here. sorry. 

**‘Xiao Dejun changed the worst cousin ever’s screen name to Lucas Wong’**

**Lucas Wong:** Okay, seriously. How do you guys do that? 

**Huang Renjun:** Irrelevant. We need to finish these. 

And that’s what they did, over the course of the next 30 or so minutes, with helpful interjections every now and then from Hendery.

Xiaojun was slightly unsettled by how natural it felt, despite the fact that he was essentially building a web of lies to manipulate a family for no reason. 

**Huang Renjun:** ‘..it’s easy to change if you give it your attention. all you’ve gotta do is just believe you can be who you wanna be..’ 

_“Sincerely, me.”_ Hendery finished, a smile audible in his voice.

“Sincerely, me.” Xiaojun echoed, typing the final words into the document. 

Once he had finished, he smiled in Hendery’s general direction, and felt the air around him return it with a soft laugh. 

Just like that, Xiaojun had a reason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aight cya bitches don’t none of you get corona 
> 
> OH OH I NEARLY FORGOT— next chapter finna be the start of a whole new thing, look out for it!!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys you better be proud of me i wrote a whole 1.1k chapter in One Night i am in shock. also this marks the start of the whole romance thing and goddamn am i excited. i am so damn excited but i have also realized two things. a) my grammar is wack i really, really need to start reading over my stuff. like literally “second” autocorrected to “section” in one of the first chapters and i nearly cried when i saw it. b) my sentence structure is hella annoying. literally ever single sentence i write has the same structure. i use so many goddamned commas and i am so sorry if you are reading this. how on earth do you deal with all the commas. 
> 
> ok that’s all enjoy!!!

It was around 3 pm the next day when Xiaojun arrived. 

Hendery had decided that today, he wouldn’t make his presence known. Some part of him wanted to see how Xiaojun might act if he thought he wasn’t there. 

It was a strange thought process, that was for sure.

When the doorbell rang, Hendery had been in Yangyang’s room. 

Of all the things that Hendery had lost when he died, he missed Yangyang the most. And he was horrified to think that his younger brother might actually be scared if he knew that he was sitting beside him. 

But Hendery didn’t know what else he could do. It was awfully boring, being a ghost. 

At the sound of the bell, Yangyang took off at an inhuman speed, filled with an enthusiasm that Hendery had never seen before. 

Hendery sat frozen in place, hearing bits and pieces of the conversation from below. 

“..Left.. Jacket..” 

“Of course.... Mail?” 

“Could show...” 

And then Hendery could hear no more.

Yangyang returned to his room at a much slower pace than the one he had left with. He appeared neutral, though somewhat dejected, and continued watching whatever Youtube video he had been so engaged in. 

Despite himself, Hendery smiled. _ “What’s going on with you?”  _ He asked, softly enough that he couldn’t be heard from downstairs.

His words, however, drifted off into the air before ricocheting off of an invisible bubble around Yangyang and dissolving silently. 

Hendery sighed. 

A short while passed before Kun called Yangyang downstairs. 

Before his brother stood and sprinted away yet again, Hendery noticed a familiar expression on Yangyang’s face. 

A bit of fear, a bit of anticipation, both hidden too well to be noticed by anyone outside of the family. 

Hendery wondered who Yangyang could be hiding from. 

He soon lost track of time, staring blankly into the wall until the door slammed. Yangyang had reappeared and was breathing heavily with his what appeared the be the start of a breakdown written across his face. 

All Hendery wanted was to give the boy a hug as a single tear trailed down his check before promptly being wiped away. 

There was a feeble knock at the door, and Yangyang seated himself at the edge of his bed, prepared with a completely stoic expression. 

Hendery, on the other hand, went rigid with a weird kind of fear. 

Yangyang cleated his throat. “You can come in.” He said clearly. 

He shrunk down visibly when Xiaojun peeked through, smiling apologetically with his stupid hair falling into his stupid eyes. 

And  _ stupid _ was all that Hendery could think as Yangyang raised an eyebrow at the other boy, offering a quiet, “Oh, it’s you.” Nevertheless, he promptly gestured for Xiaojun to come in and take a seat next to him. 

Hendery felt as though his heart would have done a flip if he even remotely knew the condition of his heart. 

Then again, he really didn’t want to think about that. He sat completely still, too scared of giving himself away but also knowing that it was too late to make an escape. 

“We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.” Hendery watched Xiaojun’s gaze drift to the paper sitting on Yangyang’s desk. The reason he was in this mess in the first place. “I mean, we don’t talk to each other much, and I get that it’s probably weird for me to just show up here like this.” 

“No, it’s fine.” Yangyang looked up to meet Xiaojun’s eyes for a moment before glancing back down to his hands, folded neatly in his lap. “Sometimes I feel like I need someone to talk to.” 

This was evidently not what Xiaojun was expecting. Hendery smiled as the boy sat in shocked silence for a minute before replying. “Okay. If that’s the case, go right ahead. I’ll say as little or as much as you want me to.” 

Hendery thought that was a pretty good answer. 

Yangyang nodded, smiling meekly before gathering up the courage to speak up. “I just can’t believe he’s dead. I mean, I understand it.. I just don’t want to accept it.” He spoke so softly that Hendery had to strain his ears to hear. 

“I get that. I don’t think I’ve completely internalized it either.” Xiaojun echoed, and wait a damn minute, had they always been sitting this close together? 

“I also don’t get why he said all this nice stuff about me.” 

Hendery’s smile faltered. 

“What do you mean?” Xiaojun implored.

“I mean that.. We were always on good terms and got along and everything, but I never thought I meant that much to him. I always thought he viewed us more as friends than brothers.” 

And suddenly, Hendery was struck with an unfamiliar kind of pain. The words certainly had some effect, for Hendery had always loved Yangyang as a sibling and no less, but there was something else. 

It took Hendery a moment to realize that it was the proximity. The way Xiaojun looked into Yangyang’s eyes with a sense of wonder, a deep kind of yearning that Hendery was petrified by. The way Yangyang returned the gaze with his own mildly questioning one, utterly perplexed but becoming more confident with every second spent searching every inch of the other boy’s face. 

Hendery felt not only a wave of protectiveness, but something else he couldn’t put a finger on. 

“He loved you.” Xiaojun said quietly, and Hendery had to do a mental search to remember what they were talking about. “He always said that you were what kept him going every day. There was all this stuff he wanted to say, but he never did tell you how much you meant to him. So much. You meant so much.” 

It barely took Hendery a second to realize that Xiaojun had switched entirely from speaking from Hendery’s point of view to his own, and that everything he said to Yangyang were his own feelings.

Suddenly, Hendery felt as though this was something he shouldn’t be watching, and that he would probably get out of there, but he still stayed rooted to his chair.

“Thank you.” Yangyang finally said, and  _ goddamnit _ , Hendery could not hear for the life of him, could they just fucking speak up? 

“For what?” 

Hendery did not miss the way Xiaojun leaned in slightly, making an already minuscule gap even smaller. 

“For being here. For being.. You.” 

Xiaojun smiled. “You don’t really know me, though.” 

“For whatever reason, I feel like I do.” And then Yangyang leaned into Xiaojun even further, and Hendery felt like he was being tortured.

They kissed. 

Hendery felt nothing, except for a trivial thought tugging at the back of his mind. 

A simple realization. A name for the emotion he had felt when he first noticed the way the two of them looked at each other.

Jealousy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so.. that happened.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again guys, it seems i’m on a roll! this is a double update, so make sure to check out the previous chapter before reading this one (it’s almost 1k goddamn i am thriving also this entire fic is almost 10k!!!!)

I’m so sorry.” Yangyang was wide-eyed as he broke away. 

“Why?” Xiaojun hated how his voice had come out sounding kind of like a whine. 

Yangyang glared at his hands, but Xiaojun didn’t miss the way the tips of his ears went bright red. “That wasn’t appropriate. For the situation.” 

For someone so exuberant and humorous, Yangyang sounded so scarily serious that Xiaojun felt inclined to agree. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” 

Yangyang only nodded in response. 

Xiaojun mirrored the boy, staring at his own hands before standing up and gesturing feebly towards the door. “I’m just, uh, gonna go.” 

“Uh, okay. See you soon?” 

Xiaojun nodded before sprinting, uttering a quick thanks to Kun and setting off towards the apple orchard. 

Only when he was about half way there, not sure at all that he’d see Hendery at all that day, did it truly sink it. 

I  _ kissed  _ Yangyang.

I kissed  _ Yangyang _ . 

And that was all that Xiaojun’s brain repeated, over and over, until he was stopped near the center of the apple orchard by an all-too-familiar voice. 

_ “You look like you just won the goddamned lottery.”  _

Hendery’s voice seemed slightly out of breath, but was still as relaxed as usual. 

“Is that so?” Xiaojun smiled, taking a seat on the bench beside him.

_ “Yes, sir. How did it go? I’m assuming Lucas worked his magic with the emails.”  _

“Yeah, he did. It went.. Pretty well.” 

_ “I’m glad to hear that.”  _

Xiaojun realized how hard it was to try and interpret emotions when you only have a voice to go off of, but something in the way Hendery spoke seemed ever so slightly different. 

Forced, maybe? Tensed up? 

“Hey, are you okay?” 

_ “Me?”  _ If anything, Hendery’s tone went colder.  _ “I’m wonderful. Why do you ask?”  _

“Oh, no reason. Just ‘cause.” 

Xiaojun thought he should probably stop smiling. After all, he’d just made an already fucked up situation exponentially worse. 

But he didn’t. Because we stupid. 

Hendery cleared his throat and his tone of voice brightened immediately. _ “So? What’s the next step?”  _

Xiaojun paused to consider this. Only then did he realize that he had no idea. He had no idea what was to come, or what he was supposed to do, or when the truth would come out. 

He decided not to think about the truth coming out. 

“Why are we doing this?” 

_ “Sorry?”  _

“You heard me.” 

Hendery was silent. 

“Hendery?” 

_ “This is more believable.” _ He started, sounding as though he was trying to convince himself. _ “We couldn’t very well tell them that I happened to be carrying around a note that you had written to yourself when I died. They wouldn’t accept that.”  _

Xiaojun frowned. “I accept it just fine, though.” 

_ “That’s because it’s the truth.” _ All traces of warmth had disappeared from Hendery’s voice, and he sounded stiff once again. _ “We both know it. Your three friends know it. No one else does, and no one else can.”  _

“So you’re okay with emotionally manipulating your own family in the name of sounding sane?” Xiaojun’s words come out much harsher than intended, but it wasn’t like he could take them back. 

Hendery’s voice dropped.  _ “I don’t care about sounding sane. They need closure, and that is what we’re giving them.”  _

“This is not closure.” Xiaojun scoffed. “This is just a web of lies that they’ll figure out sooner or later, and when they do, it’s going to hurt so much more. There has to be another way.” 

_ “Since when do you care about hurting them?” _ Hendery sounded disgusted, and Xiaojun had a feeling that they weren’t talking about the same thing anymore.  _ “They’re not your family.”  _

“If you’re not going to give a shit about them, someone has to.” Xiaojun attempted to keep his tone calm, but failed.

_ “I’m dead.” _ Hendery laughed mirthlessly, and Xiaojun was finally scared. _ “Do you think it matters if I give a shit or not? They can’t expect anything from a ghost.”  _

“But I can.” Xiaojun hadn’t intended to sound so pretentious. “And I know you still care about them.” 

_ “Really? What else do you know about me, please, I’m dying to know.” _ He scoffed, and Xiaojun knew he’d fucked up big time. _ “Honestly, you go to my house and kiss my brother once and suddenly you’re all self-important—“  _

Hendery cut himself off as Xiaojun froze.

He stood and left, racing to his always-empty house and upstairs to his bedroom, fumbling in his desk for the medications he hadn’t taken in days. 

It had to stop. Xiaojun had to stop seeing Hendery, he was hallucinating, and it was all just too much—

_ “Stop, please don’t..”  _

Xiaojun glared in the direction of the voice. 

_ “I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have said that.”  _

Xiaojun continued searching. “You’re not real.” 

_ “What? No! You’re not hallucinating, please..”  _

“Why should I believe you?” 

_ “Because I—“ _ Hendery inhaled sharply, starting over.  _ “Just.. Please don’t die like I did. You’ll regret it, I promise.”  _

“Get out of my goddamn house, Hendery.” 

_ “Xiaojun, c’mon.” _ Hendery pleaded, though he was getting farther away.

“I’m not gonna do anything.” Xiaojun slammed his desk drawer shut, throwing his free hand up in the air in defeat. “I just don’t want to see you right now.” 

_ “You never saw me in the first place.” _ Hendery muttered, and then he was gone just as fast as he had appeared.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i will be back soon with something to lighten the mood, hopefully. thank you and be safe!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’ve started writing longer chapters and now i cant stop
> 
> anyways, this is a filler chapter. since this fic alternates pov’s from xiaojun to hendery, this would technically be a hendery chapter— and i realized that i really had nothing to say for this chapter. 
> 
> so i decided to write something completely unrelated to fill the space, just give y’all a break from all the angsty shit going on. 
> 
> (and maybe to address one of my first ships in the nct fandom, even if it’s just for a second)
> 
> i present to you: Hendery’s Little Ghost Adventure
> 
> enjoy!

It hadn’t taken Hendery too long to realize that ghosts couldn’t cry. 

Nevertheless, it was still annoying as hell to feel your eyes sting and your nose burn and not be granted the satisfaction of having physical tears rolling down your cheeks. 

Speed walking away from Xiaojun’s house (and trying desperately to forget their entire conversation), Hendery decided he’d try and figure out what ghosts could do. 

It didn’t seem like much. If you don’t count getting into movie theaters for free and being able to walk through walls, there was really nothing you could do. 

The sun had almost completely disappeared below the horizon, and the sky was painted with various shades of blue. 

Damn it, he thought. The afterlife was supposed to be fun. 

Hendery sighed, but continued stalking down the sidewalk with no destination in mind, 

Days and nights were starting to blur together, the only thing differentiating the two being the color of the sky. 

The street was silent, save for the sounds of the cicadas somewhere in the distance. 

Hendery had glanced up to where the moon was starting to rise when he felt himself collide with something. 

He leapt away, taken aback by the fact that wow, something actually acknowledged his presence, and also by the fact that the object he had walked into was not an object at all. 

_“Ah, sorry—“_ He blurted, once his brain had processed that he had, in fact, body-slammed a small man who was looking at him with an expression of mild disgust. 

Hendery didn’t think expressions of disgust should be that attractive. 

The man stood up off the ground, not even casting a glance towards the hand that Hendery had extended for him. 

_“You haven’t been dead long.”_ He stated, looking Hendery up and down slowly as his look of distaste melted away.

He smirked. 

Hendery wanted to die— well, you get the idea. _“I’m sorry, who are you?”_

The man offered a sudden, blinding smile. _“You may call me Ten.”_

_May I, really?_

Ten didn’t wait for a reply. _“There don’t seem to be many ghosts around here. Kind of disappointing, but not everywhere you go over the course of 200 years will be equally impressive.”_

He had a lilting foreign accent and a smooth voice that would probably be more fitting for a vampire than a ghost, Hendery noticed. 

But vampires weren’t real. 

Ten smirked again. 

Vampires better not be real. 

_“They aren’t.”_ He said abruptly.

_“Sorry, what?”_

_“Vampires. Not real. Thankfully.”_

Hendery didn’t think he should be too surprised. This guy, despite how completely and utterly dead he was, could probably do everything. 

Wordlessly, Ten turned on his heel and left. 

Hendery sighed. _“Where are you going?”_

Ten assumed a look of faux confusion. _“I’m sorry, did you wish to come with me?”_

Hendery gave no reply. Ten walked back towards him and grabbed him roughly by the arm, dragging him along to who knows where. 

_“Come, young one. Let me teach you a thing or two about death.”_

  
  


Hendery learned a thing or two about death. 

He also happened to learn a thing or two about Ten. 

Ten had brought him to a cemetery, of all places, one that Hendery had never noticed in town before. 

He paused to have animated conversations with different ghosts, though it was clear that he’d never met them before. 

There were a few things to note about Ten. Even in a few minutes, it was clear to see how sociable he was. He walked gracefully but powerfully, and spoke with the air of someone who belonged in a black and white movie, despite the fact that he stumbled over words here and there. Ten was perfect, in every sense of the word.

Hendery was awed. He’d never thought someone could reach their peak after death, but living proof had just seated himself beside him on a bench near the back of the cemetery, hidden under the canopy of the trees behind it. 

Ten smiled sweetly. _“I feel bad.”_

_“Why’s that?”_

_“I dragged you here, but am yet to sustain a real conversation with you.”_

Another thing to note about Ten: his vocabulary was that of a scholar, even though he seemed so new to the language. 

Hendery smiled nervously. He hadn’t noticed. Quite honestly, he couldn’t have found a single thing wrong with Ten or his behavior even if he tried. _“That’s alright, I’m just tagging along.”_

The moon had risen fully, but was doing little except casting shadows through the leaves above onto the ground and Ten’s face. 

_“There’s something about you.”_ He said suddenly, looking at Hendery with a carefully concealed sense of wonder. 

_“Is there, now?”_

Ten hummed. _“You’re conflicted.”_

Oh. 

Hendery didn’t say anything. 

_“It’s about a boy.”_ A teasing tone crept into Ten’s voice.

_“No.”_ Hendery replied hurriedly. 

Ten’s smile did not falter, not even for a second. _“Hendery, I’m going to tell you something, and you better listen close and let it sink in.”_

He reached out and grabbed Hendery roughly by the shoulders. 

_“You’re a fool.”_

Hendery had never been called a fool before, but he was fairly sure he shouldn’t have enjoyed it as much as he did. Ten could probably tell him he was a squirrel and he would have believed it just as quickly. 

_“Alright.”_ He said, breaking the silence. _“Message received.”_

_“Maybe it would do us both well if I were to offer you a tidbit of advice before I take my leave.”_ Ten placed a hand on Hendery’s shoulder.

_“By all means, go ahead.”_

_“You can’t control your feelings, but you can control what you do about them. Be confident. If you screw up, you screw up.”_ He shrugged. _“You’re already dead, what’s the worst that can happen?”_

Hendery squinted. _“How do you know so much about me?”_

_“I’ve been around for over a century, you would think I’d know a thing or two about how boys’ minds work.”_ Ten winked.

Hendery looked down and managed a small thank you before he felt the hand on his shoulder slowly draw away. 

He blinked, and could swear that he heard the wind reply, _“Anytime.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, guys— we’ve hit 10k! thank you to everyone who’s been reading and stay safe! i’ll be back with a new chapter soon :)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i rewrote this chapter 4 times god i am tired
> 
> even had a breakdown at 1 am bout this

After school, Xiaojun made a discovery. 

He’d had so much to think about, and far too little space in his brain. 

Hendery had really just  _ left  _ him there with all these conflicting ideas that were starting to blur together, and Xiaojun really could do nothing but wait for some higher power to suddenly pop up and solve all his problems.

Everything was wrong, but he already knew that.

Alas, we must now get to the discovery part. 

Xiaojun’s feet had a mind of their own. 

They had carried him halfway across town after the final bell rang, and all the while Xiaojun had been too preoccupied with pondering how he’d let his life become such an utter and complete mess.

When he finally snapped out of it, even if it was only for a second, Xiaojun realized he had no idea where the fuck he was. 

Wonderful. 

He broke into a run. Turns out that was the single dumbest thing he could have possibly done. 

Then again, Xiaojun probably couldn’t have foreseen that a car would come down the completely empty road at the exact second that he was crossing it. 

He definitely should have, though. 

He saw the car a moment too late, and, like a complete idiot, put a single hand (well, his single free hand) up in front of face, as if that would do any good. 

Xiaojun stayed frozen to the spot for exactly one second before the car skidded to a stop, probably a centimeter away from his leg. 

And that was when he finally decided to move, managing a few sorry’s before hauling ass out of there.

And then the car door opened, and Xiaojun was greeted with the sight of a familiar man with an utterly horrified expression.

Even better. 

“Kun— ah, sir? U- no, yes.. what?” 

Xiaojun hates himself. 

Kun stood in shock for a second more gesturing Xiaojun over. 

“Ah, I’m really sorry, sir, that was completely my fault, I wasn’t looking where I was going—“ 

Where did the ‘sir’ even come from? 

“No, no.. Are you alright? Oh, god, you’re bleeding.” 

Xiaojun then looked down to see a small cut on his leg, dripping more blood than it probably should have been. 

Huh. He must have over-estimated the centimeter. 

“Ah, wow, I’m stupid,” Kun muttered, “Here, come with me.” 

“What?” 

“I’m not just going to leave you there with.. That.” He gestured towards Xiaojun’s leg. 

“Oh, no, it’s fine, I really can’t feel anything—“ But Xiaojun had been deposited in the passenger seat already, so there was really nothing he could do about it. 

Kun cast a sideways glance towards the cut again, and shuddered as he got back in the car. 

Xiaojun was silent for a second. “Am I wrong to assume that you don’t particularly like the sight of blood, sir?” 

Xiaojun really, really hates himself. 

To his surprise, Kun laughed softly, taking his eyes off the road for a moment to smile at Xiaojun. “You would assume correctly. I.. It’s not been fun.” 

“I can imagine.” 

“Ah.. Hendery fell off his bike when he was 9, and it was kind of a whole..” He cut himself off, before adding, “He needed 13 stitches,” as an afterthought. 

Xiaojun was silent for a second, tensing slightly at the mention of Hendery. Kun, however, seemed completely unbothered by it. 

“Uh.. Where are you taking me—?” Xiaojun managed to cut himself off before he could add on another ‘sir’. 

“Just home. The least I can do is give you a.. bandage.. Or something. Sorry. I kind of blanked there.” 

“Oh, no, it’s fine. Um.. Are you alright?” 

In case you haven’t noticed, Xiaojun was kind of on a roll here. 

“Is it that obvious? Maybe I should be sleeping more.” Kun laughed again, making a turn. “It’s fine, just, Yangyang has been Yangyang, you know how it as. Actually, I’m sorry, you don’t know how it works. I should stop unloading on you.” 

“No, really, it’s fine. If you want to talk, I’ll listen.” Xiaojun could virtually see Hendery rolling his eyes somewhere. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yeah, it’s no problem.” 

Kun didn’t say anything for a second. Xiaojun followed his gaze, between rows of houses and traffic lights, and buildings with windows that looked like mirrors. 

“Yangyang hasn’t been the same. Maybe it was foolish of me to expect nothing to change.” He gauged Xiaojun’s reaction, cautious. “I can’t sleep, because I keep seeing him whenever I close my eyes. And I— I don’t know why he did it. I keep thinking it was something I did, and that.. That is the ultimate failure you can have as a parent.” 

Kun stopped, smiling at Xiaojun. “Well, now that we’re done with that, how have you been?” 

It suddenly felt inadequate to say that he felt “okay”, or “fine”, despite the fact that those were his default answers. Xiaojun chose to, as respectfully as possible, ignore the question. 

“Forgive me, but I don’t think you did anything wrong.” 

Kun glanced at him, turning into the driveway. 

“He always spoke really highly of both you and Yangyang, and, I mean, he seemed like the kind of person who’d want to try new things out for no real reason.” Xiaojun cringed at his own words, but Kun didn’t seem to notice. 

“You’re saying he killed himself because he wanted a change?” 

“He.. He could have. I know that doesn’t change the fact that he’s gone, but I don’t think he’d like it if either of you felt bad.” 

Kun smiled sadly. “Maybe not.” 

He parked the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh dear god


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AH IM SO SORRY ITS BEEN AGES SINCE I UPDATED AAAAA
> 
> this chapter is, in short, a mess. i rewrote it twice and then gave up so here we go. 
> 
> angst angst angst, love triangle, yeehaw

It was honestly kind of sad that Hendery still felt like he had to walk Yangyang home after school. 

The boy was 17 years old; he’d be fine. 

It wasn’t like Hendery could really do anything either way.

But he found himself doomed to accompany his brother home every day, blaming it completely on force of habit. 

Sometimes, Hendery liked to kid himself and think that Yangyang knew he was there. 

It was pathetic, he knew that much.

But imagine his surprise when he’d arrived home on a day like any other to find Xiaojun sustaining an animated conversation with his father. 

Learning from his past mistakes, Hendery softly cleared his throat and watched as Xiaojun looked far past him (as usual) towards Yangyang. 

In any other circumstance, he probably would have laughed at the horrified look on the boy’s face. 

_ “What did you expect?”  _ He blurted absentmindedly.

Xiaojun’s gaze flicked briefly to him, or at least, where he should have been, and his eyes widened for a second before turning back to Yangyang.

Real smooth.

Hendery should not have been as surprised as he was when Yangyang spoke up for the first time, it seemed, in the whole day. 

“Can we talk?” 

Xiaojun promptly froze. Even Kun looked up for a fraction of a second.

Hendery found his own dumbass in the same situation as before, rushing out of the house before he could hear anything that he didn’t want to. 

But then the pair had decided that the old porch swing was the best place to have their conversation, and Hendery was trapped once again. 

Kind of ironic since a) no walls could hold him either way and b) they were literally outside. 

He considered running as far as his legs could carry him, but he was fairly sure Xiaojun would figure it out and question him about it later and, ha, he was not ready for that.

Hendery paused for a second to wonder whether or not Xiaojun could hear his footsteps. 

Fortunately, this train of thought had distracted him completely from the conversation that Yangyang and Xiaojun were having mere feet away from him. 

Hendery was standing completely still there for no reason and he probably looked like a Sim waiting for a command. 

He backed up a bit, and let pieces of their conversation drift towards him in the wind, which seemed to be steadily picking up. 

Xiaojun’s chestnut colored hair whipped gently into his face, but the boy didn’t really seem to notice as he broke in to a wistful smile at something Yangyang said. 

And that was when Hendery noticed how utterly and completely screwed he was. 

Their conversation no longer reached his ears; his thoughts were instead occupied by a blurred together recollection of Xiaojun’s words from the previous night and Ten’s little encouragements. 

_ Just tell him. _

_ What? No! What am I supposed to say?  _

The wind picked up so much speed around him that Hendery thought himself in the eye of a hurricane for a minute, but it died down almost immediately, prompting him to wonder if he’d just imagined it all. 

The others’ voices were once again carried in little fragments to Hendery’s ears, back to drifting along in the languid breeze.

Hendery heard nothing more than some out-of-place words, like “brother” and “thinking” and “want” and “chill”.

He was sure he’d never heard either Xiaojun nor Yangyang ever say the word “chill” in a context that didn’t have to do with the weather. 

Hendery saw another shared smile, though this time it was accompanied with nervous laughs and slowly rising blushes. 

That feeling was back again for the second time, like Hendery was intruding even though he hadn’t the slightest notion as to what was going on. 

He felt as though he was watching them through a two-way mirror.

Looking in at them, but knowing that when they tried to look out at him, all they’d see is themselves. 

Hendery was in far too deep for someone who wasn’t alive.

It had all been a series of bad decisions, and he should have stopped before it went this far, and he should have considered it a little more before bringing other people into the situation—

But weirdly enough, that wasn’t what his mind chose to focus on. He could have been thinking about the consequences that this horrible situation could have, or he could have even been wondering why Yangyang looked the happiest he’d ever seen him, but he wasn’t. 

At least, that would have been somewhat relevant to his previous thoughts. 

Instead, it was like a switch was flipped, and Hendery’s mind chose to focus on the superficial details of what he was seeing, the stupid look of hope in Xiaojun’s eyes, the way he always looked down when he laughed, the ghost of a smile still lingering long after. 

He looked so at peace, and something about the way Xiaojun’s eyes kept drifting back to Yangyang’s sent chills down Hendery’s spine.

It went to a point at which whatever they were talking about no longer mattered to Hendery, all the thoughts he’d kept silent for so long dissolving into a chorus of Xiaojun’s name, over and over again. 

Snapshots of his features and mannerisms cycled through his brain, even though the boy himself was sitting not twenty feet away from him. 

_ Just tell him.  _

There was a moment of happy silence between the pair, but Hendery grew more tense with every passing second of quiet.

_ I can’t.  _

All the books that Hendery had read, all the dumb rom-coms he’d seen.. They all said this was what falling in love was like. 

But then again, there was a thin line between love and hate. 

He shook his head incredulously before leaving without caring whether or not Xiaojun could hear his steps. 

Why did it feel so wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooh we do be getting that xiaodery action (not really) 
> 
> also for some reason i’ve used this fic to start writing a completely voluntary mess of an essay about myers-briggs theory 
> 
> help


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh sorry sorry i forgot i hadn’t updated in years!! i’ve prepared a double update for y’all to compensate for the fact that they’re both pretty short— i’ve been formulating some plans for the rest of this fic and, well, shits about to go down.

Xiaojun had never been one to casually throw the L-word around much. 

But he didn’t know what else to call the weird jumpy thing his heart did when Yangyang smiled at him, or the fact that sometimes he felt like burying his face in Yangyang’s neck and crying for an extended period of time. 

Of course, Xiaojun would never admit it out loud; thinking of something as love is very different than actually acknowledging that you’re falling. 

The air outside was thick but not suffocating, an occasional breeze cutting through the slight humidity and making his hair fall into his eyes.

“Look, I think we need to.. Uh, the thing that..” Yangyang was second-guessing himself, and he looked so totally lost in his own thoughts that Xiaojun couldn’t help but speak up. 

“Is this about what happened?” 

Yangyang nodded, but didn’t meet his eyes. “I know that this is.. Really weird, because of my brother, and the fact that you were, like, his best friend, but, I mean,” he paused, and Xiaojun could visually see the hesitation, “I’ve been kind of thinking about it, and I want—“ He grimaced. 

“Hey, calm down. It’s just me.” 

Yangyang looked as though he was trying not to laugh, despite himself. “That’s the thing. It’s not ‘just you’. There is no ‘just’, you’re you.” 

Xiaojun didn’t know where this was going, and had to mentally tell himself to shut up. “I’d be inclined to agree with you, I am me.” 

Yangyang broke into a soft smile. “That’s not what I mean and you know it.” 

“Do I?” 

“No, I suppose not. Which brings me to the point, here.” 

Xiaojun started bracing himself without knowing what he was bracing himself for. 

“Look, I think you’re really nice, and sweet, and sensitive, and..” He inhaled sharply, “Pretty damn attractive—“ 

Choking on air is not a good way to die, Xiaojun reminded himself. He was waiting for a ‘but’, but one never came. 

Strange.

“—and like I said, I know things will probably be really weird because of my brother, I get that, and... Yeah.” 

‘Yeah’? 

‘Yeah’?

Xiaojun wondered if Yangyang knew that he had singlehandedly collapsed his entire soul with that short monologue. 

“I don’t think I’m understanding you right.” 

“Man, I can’t even understand myself. Maybe I should just say this in simpler terms.” 

‘Simpler terms’ would mean Xiaojun’s death for sure, but he wasn’t about to go and say that. 

Yangyang did one of those breathy scoff-laugh things. “Actually, now that I think about it, this is a completely inappropriate time for me to be talking like this, and I’m—“ 

“No, no, really, it’s alright.” Xiaojun was bordering on desperation here, and that’s something you don’t see that often. 

“Ok, um, I’m not just going to say that I like you, because that is gross and cliched, but really every way I could phrase this is gross and cliched, so, yeah, I mean, I like you. That was, wow, extremely anti-climactic.” 

Xiaojun knew he shouldn’t have, but he grinned. 

Yangyang returned it hesitantly, his cheeks flushing. 

“And, uh, about your brother,” Xiaojun started after a few seconds of awkward silence, “It’s not.. Like that. I mean, if you’re okay with it then I’m chill.” 

Yangyang scrunched up his nose. “Don’t ever say that again.” He giggled, and for a second, Xiaojun thought he saw the boy he used to know. 

When they had met in middle school, Yangyang was loud and boisterous and full of life, while Xiaojun preferred keeping to himself, but couldn’t resist cracking a smile at the other’s antics. 

Things had remained this way, a weirdly balanced, loose friendship until they drifted apart slowly. 

It was about that point that Xiaojun realized that he was very much the Big Gay. 

When he looked at Yangyang now, it was with an unusual kind of recognition, as if he was seeing the same thing with a slightly altered perception. 

It felt a lot like love. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really did try but i’m not good at stuff like this


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part two of my shitty double update:

Xiaojun was only halfway through the door when Hendery lashed out. 

Well, not really ‘lashed out’, per se; he was really trying not to.

But, alas, the words,  _ “How was your little meeting with my family?” _ slipped out, laced with too much bitterness to be ignored. 

Hendery wished Xiaojun could have seen the horrified expression on his face, maybe he’d understand that Hendery had screwed up, and that he didn’t want a fight, and that he really just wanted everyone to calm down and be happy—

Instead, the other boy just kind of squinted in shock, tossing his school bag off to the side. 

Realization wrote itself across Xiaojun’s face, and Hendery hated to see it happen. “Ah, right! You were there!” It didn’t sound accusatory in the least, but Hendery has already had many an encounter with Xiaojun’s acting skills. “Say, where did you end up disappearing to?” 

Hendery said nothing, watching (petrified), as Xiaojun’s smile sort of twitched before disappearing fully. “You didn’t go anywhere, did you? Honestly, the fact that no one can see you doesn’t mean that you can just—“ 

_ “I didn’t hear anything.”  _ Hendery interjected, trying his best not to feel like a scolded child. 

Noticing the relief on Xiaojun’s face, Hendery felt a rush of anger.  _ “Why, was it anything important? Something I can’t hear?”  _

“Look, Hendery.” Xiaojun’s voice dropped in volume as his eyes scanned the room to focus on the area that he assumed Hendery was in, “I have my own personal life, and the fact that I’m the only one who can hear you doesn’t mean you can get involved.” 

Those words certainly should not have cut so deeply, and Hendery really wanted to do something stupid, but instead brought himself back to the matter at hand. _ “He’s my brother.”  _

“It—“ 

_ “He’s my brother and you love him and he loves you just as much. I could see it in the way he looked at you that first night at dinner, and I— we’re already in big enough of a mess here, so just..”  _

“Just what?” The thing that scared Hendery the most was that Xiaojun did not sound mad in the least, just slightly exasperate, and hearing his tone made Hendery want to curl up in a ball and cry for at least the next century. 

He paused before answering, wondering how he could feel so totally intimidated by Xiaojun of all people, with his arm in a forgotten cast (that still had Hendery’s gigantic signature framed by a scattering of hearts), and a matching bandage around his leg, but still looking as though his emotional wounds were the most painful of all.

_ “What happened to your leg?” _ Hendery blurted, realizing that was the wrong thing to say when Xiaojun pursed his lips. 

“Please stop deflecting. I get that this could be hard on you because you’re.. Dead, and overprotective, and lying to your family, and, well, I’m not pretending to know how you feel—“ 

Hendery hated how accurately that sentence had managed to sum up almost all of his current worries. 

All but one. 

_ “This isn’t about that,”  _ Hendery sighed, trying valiantly to bring the focus away from himself, but failing. 

“I know you don’t want us to be talking about you,” Xiaojun said, voice suddenly soft, and Hendery wished that the other boy could stop reading him like a book for one  _ goddamn _ second, because it was infuriating and annoying and really made Hendery want to hug him, “but something isn’t right with you. Is this about the whole.. Lying thing?” 

ding ding ding we have a winner 

_ “Well, partially,”  _ Wait, no, don’t say that Hendery, because then he’ll ask what the other part is, and you sure as hell can’t tell him because you are very much dead.

Xiaojun nodded, looking deep in thought and concerned as fuck, and Hendery just very much wanted to not exist, not even in the kind of fractional way that he presently did. “And there’s obviously the whole ‘protective brother’ thing, which I get, and I- I guess I’ll try and back off a little bit.” 

Yeah, okay, sure. Let’s go with that. 

_ “Okay. I’m sorry I’m being such a dick to you.”  _

Xiaojun smiled, and Hendery decided that he really,  _ really _ hated himself. 

“It’s not a problem.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about the kind of bullshit chapters i’ve been posting we’ll get to the good bits soon i promise!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we back in business with my longest chapter yet: 1.4k!!

Xiaojun knew that Hendery was in the passenger seat of his car even before he said anything. 

Of course, he’d never say so. 

_ “Last I checked, this isn’t how you get to school.”  _ Hendery remarked passively, which set Xiaojun off into a moment of analyzing and overanalyzing the tone of Hendery’s voice to determine whether or not he was mad. 

He concluded that it was okay. 

“I know.” Xiaojun answered, smiling but not taking his eyes off the road. 

_ “I didn’t even know you had a fucking car. Why do you walk to school every day, then?”  _

He shrugged. “Air pollution?” 

_ “Fair enough,” _ Hendery responded, to Xiaojun’s surprise.  _ “Care to tell me where we’re going?”  _

Xiaojun did not answer, unsure of what to say. Instead, he just let the other boy figure it out for himself, as slow as it was.

It was kind of painful, as Xiaojun could literally feel the realization thickening the air. 

After that, it was just a fast paced array of questions, thrown at the poor boy who had no idea how to answer them. 

_ “Xiaojun, are we going to my house? Why the hell are we going to my house? What are you doing? You’re scaring me, why aren’t you saying anything? What do you plan to do?”  _

Xiaojun still didn’t reply, wishing he couldn’t physically feel Hendery’s anxiety transferring slowly to him.

_ “You’re going to do something stupid.” _ Hendery concluded, not leaving room for a question, which ticked Xiaojun off slightly. 

“Yeah, I’m gonna do something stupid.” He glanced into the rear view mirror, not sure what he was looking for. Xiaojun stopped himself from elaborating, because he knew that Hendery would try to stop him. 

There were a few minutes of silence which left Xiaojun enough time to have yet another mini-crisis. 

Let’s get a few things straight, for Xiaojun’s sake. 

Hendery was unhappy. 

And despite how unfeeling Xiaojun may have appeared, he did care. He didn’t want one of the few people that he could call a friend to be so depressed, not when he knew he could do something about it.

The whole mess had been Hendery’s idea, but Xiaojun had regretted many a stupid mistake in his day. He knew how it felt. 

He planned to do something about it. 

Now, Xiaojun was not stupid. He knew that what he was going to do was going to have insane, unavoidable consequences, but maybe it was worth it, because Hendery was dead. He was dead and suffering at the same time, and Xiaojun didn’t think anyone deserved that. 

Which is why he continued driving in silence, suppressing the fluttering of his heart and his unrealistic expectation of catharsis. 

That is, until Hendery screamed, _ “Xiaojun!”  _ and he jumped, suddenly swerving to the left and physically feeling the car skid over the adjacent sidewalk, only coming to a halt when after sliding over the grass of some empty plot of land. 

Xiaojun gave himself a moment to sit in shock, with his heart still racing and his hands hovering over the steering wheel like touching it would burn him. 

After a few seconds spent frozen still, he turned to the empty passenger seat and allowed himself to scream, “What the fUck was that?” 

Hendery didn’t reply, and Xiaojun continued spluttering like an idiot. “We could have—“

_ “There was a squirrel.” _ Hendery said, voice near silent with fear and embarrassment, and Xiaojun felt his heart tug in an unfamiliar way.  _ “I didn’t want you to kill it.”  _

Xiaojun nearly gave it all up then, wanting nothing more than to curl up in a ball and disappear. He had no idea how he was supposed to react, and was fairly sure that what his mind was telling him to do was pretty much the only wrong response. 

“I.. I’m sorry.” 

_ “No, it’s my fault, I could have gotten you killed.”  _

Xiaojun said nothing there, only casting an occasional wistful glance in Hendery’s direction and hoping it said enough. 

Evidently not. 

After a few seconds, Hendery spoke up again, voice filled with a new, semi-artificial brightness and an audible smile.  _ “Anyways, now that we’re here, would you mind explaining what we’re doing today?”  _

So much for that. 

Xiaojun took a second to organize his thoughts, and explain in the gentlest way possible. 

He wasn’t an idiot. He knew Hendery would most probably lose his shit if Xiaojun wasn’t careful. 

But when he opened his mouth, all that came out of his mouth was a feeble squeak. “You don’t deserve this.” 

_ “I don’t deserve what?”  _

At this point, Xiaojun had no option but to continue. He sighed, running a hand through his hair and turned to the passenger seat, his eyes wandering in search of something he knew he wouldn’t find. 

“You don’t deserve all this pain, not now.” 

_ “I’m not in pain.”  _ Hendery began to sound ever so slightly indignant, like the last thing he wanted was to be talking about himself. 

That was half the problem. 

“Yes, yes you are. And please don’t think I’m assuming things— I can’t even see you, and I can tell, clear as day, that you’re suffering and that I need to do something about it.” 

Hendery’s voice sounded strained, like the conversation in and of itself was too much for him.  _ “And what do you plan to do?”  _

Xiaojun didn’t want to spell it out. He knew that would set Hendery off, and he’d regret every decision he’d ever made that led him to this position, and— well, all in all, what Xiaojun was about to say, no matter how he said it, would lead them downhill in someway or another. 

So he didn’t say anything, aware that Hendery knew, and wondering why he’d make him say it like this. 

There was a long silence before Hendery quietly said,  _ “There has to be another way.”  _

“There are no other ways.” Xiaojun’s eyes slowly unfocused as he gazed out to the expanse of field before them. “We’ve exhausted them all, and this is the only thing we can do. This is the only way that you can be happy.” 

_ “Why do you even care about my happiness?”  _ There was not a trace of bitterness in Hendery’s tone, just pure, unadulterated curiously.  _ “I mean, I’m.. Dead, and we weren’t really friends before, and you honestly should hate me for all of the stuff I’ve looped you into.”  _

Xiaojun didn’t even take a minute to consider this. “But I don’t. I’d never be able to, if I tried.” 

_ “Why?”  _

Xiaojun didn’t know the answer. “I.. I just want you to be able to relax, for once. The fact that your life is  _ literally _ over and you’re still unhappy.. It isn’t right. I have to do what I can.” 

Hendery looked at Xiaojun with a new sense of wonder, and Xiaojun could feel it. It wasn’t particularly unpleasant. 

_ “Look, I appreciate your efforts, I really do.. But nothing you try will be able to fix me. Not even confessing to my family.”  _

Xiaojun felt a twinge of annoyance, not at Hendery, but at the world, for making him so incurably pained. “What is it then? What is it that’s hurting you so much, that I can’t at least try to help with?” 

And without knowing it, Xiaojun was bracing himself for impact, prepared to hear whatever Hendery would tell him. 

Instead, the other boy just sighed.  _ “I don’t know what you want to hear from me.”  _

The wind outside calmed, and Xiaojun might have been able to trick himself into believing that the world was completely still for a second. 

“The truth.” 

The words barely had a chance to leave his mouth and Hendery answered, fast as though he was ripping off a bandaid, but with a completely still, calm tone. 

_ “Xiaojun, I love you.”  _

And all the while, Xiaojun had been bracing, holding, preparing himself for what he didn’t know was to come, but he still felt something inside him collapse, his heart falling straight down until he could barely feel it anymore. 

_ “You said you wanted the truth.” _ Hendery’s tone grew icier, a little clipped.

Even slightly distant, though Xiaojun knew he wasn’t leaving. 

He’d never leave.

Xiaojun laughed shortly, feeling his cheeks involuntarily color. “That’s right, I suppose I did.” 

If he had taken a second to listen, Xiaojun could have heard the steady beat of his own heart returning with a flourish, causing warmth to blossom somewhere deep inside him. 

His mind, with a quick rush of static, went blank.

The world had gone cold around them, and all Xiaojun could do was smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank y’all so much!!
> 
> 4/21/20- i’m not dead i’m just taking a short break


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaah im sorry i’m sorry i’m back after 1000 years with a shitty, average length chapter that took me like 3 hours to write
> 
> i rewrote this six times because ya girl been suffering from some intense writers block
> 
> and i’m still not really satisfied with this chapter but i mean it’s got some fluff so please don’t hate me? also real heavy on the symbolism because my pisces do be showing. 
> 
> and sorry if it’s unnecessarily dramatic my sister told me to leave it as is
> 
> we in that platonic tendery shit for life

Cold. 

Hendery hadn’t felt this cold since he was alive. 

Actually, now that he stopped and thought about it, he hadn’t really felt anything like this in a while. He supposed he’d gotten used to the constant room-temperature, lukewarm sensation.

But it had changed, and it had changed so quickly. 

It was like snowflakes had been suspended above him- no, not  _ him _ , the two of them- all this time, just hanging prettily in the air with no real consequence.

And now, they were all floating down, gathering speed in a way uncharacteristic to snowflakes before crashing to the ground and exploding into little puffs of frigid air, surrounding them. 

That was Hendery’s fault. He knew it was, and the acknowledgement that  _ he  _ did this,  _ he  _ was the one who fucked up this badly-- it came with the only somewhat startling realization that the snowflakes were beginning to settle on his shoulders, his eyelashes, standing out against his dark hair. 

One look at Xiaojun, his scarily serene expression and unfocused eyes, and Hendery knew that they were in this together. 

The worst part was how badly Hendery wanted to hold Xiaojun’s hand before the snowflakes inevitably blew up, clouding their collective vision and enveloping them in a little pocket of complete and utter cold. 

_ “The volume in this bus,” _ came a horrifically familiar, barely there voice from behind them,  _ “is  _ astronomical. _ ” _

Hendery had never been happier that Xiaojun couldn’t see the shocked look on his face as he whipped around to face the passenger seat. 

_ ‘“Wh--” _

Ten only raised an eyebrow tauntingly in response.

There was unmistakable pride in his eyes, well-disguised as a more typical smirk.

_ “He could hear you.”  _ Hendery mouthed desperately.  _ “What the hell are you doing here anyways?” _

As if to pointedly contradict him, Ten raised his voice considerably.  _ “He’s too love-struck to hear a damn volcano explode.” _

_ “Fuck it,” _ Hendery breathed, casting a (disgustingly longing, he’d later recall) glance at Xiaojun, who was still unmoving, having dedicated all his remaining energy to staring hazily at the steering wheel before him.

_ I’m sorry _ , he thought lamely, hoping the message would transfer to Xiaojun when he woke up from whatever fucked up trance Hendery had accidentally put him in.

Ten gave him a deadly questioning glance, one that should never have been accompanied with such a knowing glint in his eyes.

Hendery replied with a half-assed look of disgust before sliding out of the passenger seat and forgetting for a second that the door would not prevent him from collapsing in a heap in the grass. 

He was well aware that Ten was standing over him, and probably saying something, but Hendery involuntarily tuned out, distracted by the little dandelions swaying in a barely detectable breeze inches away from his outstretched arm, and the notable absent feeling of the grass brushing the back of his neck.

It was not long before Ten conceded, dramatically dropping to the ground beside him. 

_ “I should never have listened to you.”  _ Hendery said passively, reaching out to brush a dandelion and feeling his eyes sting with frustration when his fingers passed through the stem. 

Ten plucked the flower calmly from its place and placed it into the center of Hendery’s palm. 

Hendery didn’t have time to be surprised as Ten tugged him closer in the same fluid motion, and Hendery remembered how long it had been since he’d been given a hug. 

_ “You really love him.”  _ Ten stated softly, his hair brushing the side of Hendery’s neck. 

_ “Yeah. I do.” _

And Hendery was not sure how much time had passed as they continued a hushed conversation, Ten obliging Hendery’s endless topic hopping, and not mentioning the way his voice perpetually sounded strangled, like a choked up sob was trapped in this throat, never to escape.

It could have been a few minutes, or a few hours, Hendery concluded, as he finally looked up to where stars were gathered in an indigo sky.

They reflected in Ten’s eyes, but he didn’t seem to notice, the same way that neither of them noticed the way that the car had driven off mere feet away from them, leaving them sitting alone in the middle of an expanse of empty field. 

It would have been an idyllic scene, if Hendery had actually been paying attention to his surroundings and not busy spouting sentimental nonsense.

Sentimental nonsense than Ten had been taking far too seriously. 

One such semi-conscious musing that Hendery had blurted only to regret a moment later:  _ “I wish I could just tell my brother and everything would be alright.” _

Ten’s face had darkened before he replied.  _ “There is a way, you know. It’s not practical, or convenient in the least, but there’s a way.” _

Now that had gotten Hendery far too curious for his own good.  _ “What is it?” _

_ “It’s not easy.”  _ Ten paused to survey the boy before him, and Hendery felt so small--  _ “But it could work. If all parties are willing.” _

A moment of silence. 

_ “Listen, Hendery. You’re a good kid, too young to have all this shit happening to you. I’ll tell you, because-- I’m not sure how-- but you’ve managed to gain my trust. And I don’t know if I could go on without knowing that there was something I could have done to help you.”  _

Ten sounded so much like Xiaojun in that moment that his words started hitting Hendery twice as hard. 

He sighed deeply, the tired sound barely reaching Hendery’s ears, like the crickets chirping in the distance. 

When Ten started explaining it, it sounded like he was sharing a part of his very soul, like the words weren’t simply instructions: they were assorted experiences, threaded together to make something that was far deeper than it may have seemed. 

_“I loved someone once,”_ Ten said a beat after finishing, _“It was horrible.”_

He smiled weakly. 

_“Don’t ignore it like I did.”_ Ten placed a hand on Hendery’s shoulder, and he reflexively leaned into the touch. _“Do what must be done. You’ll make it through this.”_

And Hendery wanted to laugh, because it had finally registered how wholly pathetic he must have seemed, how pathetic his entire situation was, and how pathetic everything even remotely associated with him was. 

Hendery was small, weak, and fragile, and it had only taken 17 years of life, an accidental suicide, and falling in love for him to realize it. 

In that moment, all he found himself capable of doing was nodding.

He turned back to Ten, who had his signature knowing look back on, as if the past few seconds had never happened. 

Hendery knew what he was going to say, and beat him to it. _“I’m fine, really.”_

_ “I don’t expect you to be fine right now, but you will be soon. I know it.”  _

Another second of heavy silence passed before Ten spoke up again. 

_ “I’ll tell you what, we’ll meet up a hundred years from now and you can tell me how it went.” _

And with a final smile, Hendery was left completely alone, with only the dandelions and the stars suspended in the sky like snowflakes to keep him company.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls do not kill me


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i actually kind of like this chapter. lots of really late exposition. 
> 
> alternatively: xiaojun gets high on endorphins

Zhong Chenle was perceptive. 

Really, for all of his awkward flirting and badly timed jokes, he was surprisingly good at reading people. 

His interaction skills were likely something that had developed recently, maybe as a byproduct of having cryptic misanthropes as friends.

Or perhaps he’d had this skill the whole time and Xiaojun simply hadn’t noticed. 

“Hello?” He snapped his fingers expectantly in front of Xiaojun’s face.

He looked up to face Chenle, whose messily dyed blonde hair made him stand out in the cafeteria like a lit match in the dead of night. 

“Sorry, what?” 

Xiao Dejun had never been the daydreaming type, or the analytical type for that matter.

Especially not when the daydreams and analysis were concerning someone sitting right before him.

Maybe that’s what happens when you’re forced to derive emotions from nothing but blank stares and blanker voices. 

Or maybe that’s what happens when you fall head over heels in love, unsure of who it’s with. 

That was probably a completely Xiao-Dejun-specific circumstance, though. 

“I asked what the hell is wrong with you. You look all.. Gross and lovey.” 

Xiaojun was not sure what looking “lovey” entailed, but was fairly sure he fit the bill. 

Ew.

“Oh, nothing.” 

“What’s nothing?”

Huang Renjun may have hated the world, but he didn’t hate the people in it. 

It was likely that his aggressive, temperamental facade was only present to compensate for his overly angelic features, the kind that might lead one to assume very untrue things about his character.

Namely, that he was all innocence and perpetual glee. 

It could also have been to compensate for his, well, lacking height. 

Despite his belligerent nature, he was just like all other humans. Far from immune to love. 

“Look at Dejun, Renjun.” 

Xiaojun kept a straight face as Renjun looked him up and down, boredom in his eyes. 

“Am I supposed to be noticing something?”

Chenle sighed, pointedly speaking as though Xiaojun wasn’t there to see if he’d notice. 

Another thing about Xiao Dejun: he would never draw attention to himself. 

He didn’t enjoy making his friends concerned in the least, but Chenle’s squint was far too amusing. He let it go on for a bit longer. 

“Doesn’t he look.. Weird?”

Xiaojun laughed, startling himself. “I’m fine, seriously.” 

“Voice sounds different,” Renjun noted passively, poking at his lunch. “All happy and shit. Louder too.”

“Wh-” Xiaojun stifled another laugh, and couldn’t even bring himself to be surprised at his own suddenly sunny disposition.

A girl passed by near the table, and shot him a smile. 

Chenle and Renjun looked unamused as Xiaojun returned it. 

“See? What the hell was that?” Chenle was on the verge of screaming. 

He, unlike Renjun, was the kind to get overly enthusiastic over the smallest of things.

“Shut up, Chenle.” Renjun displayed his signature eyeroll, one that Xiaojun hadn’t noticed the depth to until now.

It looked as though he was trying to hide an oncoming smile, fearful that some form of endearment would escape him and cut a hole right through his hostile semblance.

The thought brought another stupid smile onto Xiaojun’s, just the very idea of how  _ pure  _ it was..

Chenle threw his hands up. “Screw it. He’s hopeless.”

“Hopeless, you say?” Renjun wondered aloud. 

Xiaojun nodded somberly. “I’m beyond help, haven’t you heard?”

“I take that back,” Renjun scoffed, incredulous. “That’s fucking terrifying.” 

“My happiness is terrifying?” Xiaojun pouted, enjoying Chenle’s gape way too much. 

“All my friends are schizophrenic.” Chenle sighed, the bell cutting him off.

  
  


Hendery Wong was interesting. 

Xiaojun had heard tales of all the shit he’d gotten up to while he was alive.. They made it seem like his only fault was extremely bad luck.

While it was true, and the boy was cursed with some of the most dramatic misfortune Xiaojun had ever seen, Hendery had more depth than the stories let on. 

Like any other person, Hendery had thoughts and ideas, dreams and beliefs. He loved and hated so strongly, even in death. 

He made a constant effort to hide it, though. He was afraid of so much, and deserved so much.

But no matter his negative qualities, he was a person who encouraged all the comfort and stability in the world for those around him. 

Xiaojun wanted him to feel the same. 

_ “Look, we need to talk. I understand if you don’t really want to speak to me anymore, and just say the word, and I’ll leave you alone, but I need to tell you about something I heard, and if it’s true, all of our problems-- well, almost all-- could be solved, so please just let me talk to you and if you don’t want me around you anymore after that I’ll leave.”  _

“Are you finished?” Xiaojun smiled, well aware that he’d caught Hendery off guard. 

_ “Y-you’re not mad at me?”  _

“Why would I be mad at you?”

Hendery just stuttered some more, and Xiaojun’s heart just about melted.  _ “I- I don’t.. I thought you-- What?” _

“Calm down. What did you want to explain to me?” 

_ “I need to talk to Yangyang.”  _

“Okay.” The strangeness of the statement barely registered in Xiaojun’s brain, and then it finally clicked after a long second of silence. “Wait, you-- how?” 

_ “You need to talk to him first. It’s a whole process, I--” _

“H-how..” Xiaojun’s brain fizzled, and then went out like a lightbulb. “How do you know to do this?”

Arguably the most idiotic question Xiaojun could have asked in the moment, but it was fine. 

Hopefully.

Hendery hesitated for a second.  _ “I asked a friend?” _

Sounded more like a question than a statement. Xiaojun didn’t even bother hiding his amusement, completely ignoring the fact that he’d chosen to focus on probably the most irrelevant part of their conversation. 

It was just out of curiosity, okay? Xiaojun was a curious person. 

(he hadn’t been in the past, but hey, yet another side effect of his heart going and malfunctioning)

“You’ve got ghost friends? Are there even other ghosts around here?”

_ “He’s not from around here-- but that’s besides the point,” _ Hendery huffed, and Xiaojun could almost see him scrunching his face up. 

He giggled. 

_ “Bro, what the hell’s wrong with you? Are you high?” _

“No. Drugs are bad.” 

_ “Jesus Christ. Can we focus?” _

“By all means, go ahead. I’m listening.” 

_ “Okay, but you’ve gotta sober up.”  _

“I’m literally not high.”

_ “You’re high on something.” _

“Serotonin, perhaps. Dopamine. Oxycontin.” 

_ “I-- can’t remember what those do for the life of me.”  _

“It’s okay, I’ll remember for the both of us.”

Xiaojun was fairly sure he wouldn’t be able to forget. 

Happiness, for one.

_ “Can I please explain now? This is important, it’ll help both of us.”  _

“If it helps you, I’m listening.” 

And love.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heenk honk writers block strikes again


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, i kinda like this chapter’s content but not the way i executed it so you’ve been warned for shitty grammar
> 
> also i get why you might think that henyang are a thing but they aren’t no incest here thanks 
> 
> TW//: mentions of panic attacks, family issues? (not sure if that’s a trigger but pLease stay safe while reading) 
> 
> this one for u bitch @Wacko_havsjajdwjsj

When they were young, Hendery and Yangyang had run away. 

It had been Yangyang’s idea. In his eyes, it had been a win-win. Get to know his new brother, get away from his mother’s constant yelling.

They set off on a summer night to who knows where, and got as far as the nearest convenience before Hendery--at only 8 years old--had stopped his brother.

“Where are we going?”

Yangyang, at 7, had merely smiled in response. “Somewhere far away.” 

“Isn’t this far enough?” Hendery had looked back in the direction they’d come from, and Yangyang followed his gaze. Their house was nowhere to be seen. 

“I suppose so.” Yangyang shrugged. 

They’d sat on the curb for what could have been minutes or hours, talking about something or the other and staring up at the moonless sky. 

“I think it’s my fault.” Hendery had said quietly, after talk of school and TV shows had been exhausted. 

“What’s your fault?” 

“That Mom and Dad are fighting.” 

Yangyang’s smile fell, and he assumed as impartial an expression as a hyperactive third grader could manage. “Why do you think that?” 

Not a single car had passed by, and the only light for a considerable distance was from the artificial neon glow of the store’s sign and the barely-there stars. 

“It started after.. After I came.” Hendery still didn’t know what to call it. The word ‘adopted’ made him sound like a stranger to the family. He didn’t like that. 

“That doesn’t mean it’s your fault. Dad said that even when you love someone, you can still disagree with them. That’s probably it.” 

“You think so?” 

Yangyang nodded wordlessly. 

Not long after that, Kun had found them sitting by the side of the street, panic written across his face. He’d begun bombarding them with phrases like “don’t ever do that again” and “we were so worried”.

Both children had known that it was only him who’d been worried. 

The next day, their mother had left. 

Kun had told them that she’d be back soon, but even then, they had both known that he was just trying to convince himself. 

They’d stopped talking about her soon after Yangyang’s 10th birthday. 

Hendery stopped calling Kun “Dad” around his 13th. 

Not much had changed after that. They’d all accepted the new normal, or at least, come pretty close. 

“After all,” Kun had joked, “I’m not that bad, am I?” 

It wasn’t treated like some big tragedy. Both children knew how fortunate they were to have a father who cared enough about them to make up for their mother’s absence. 

Yangyang came out at 16. Kun had smothered him with hugs and baked a cake and everything. 

Hendery had echoed every bit of praise and encouragement that Kun had offered, just because it annoyed Yangyang. 

(he secretly loved it, and Hendery knew that)

They’d liked to have believed that overall, they were good kids. They had pretty good grades, and never caused trouble at home. 

Both of them were actually chaotic as hell. 

Hendery often questioned how Kun had survived with them for so long. 

Yangyang ended up in detention every other week, usually for being too loud. There was the one time he punched a kid who’d called him a faggot, but Kun hadn’t held that one against him. 

“Son of a bitch deserved it,” Hendery had told him as he tended to the cuts on Yangyang’s knuckles. “Also, you need to moisturize. Like, really bad. Punched one kid and your skin went and split.” 

Hendery didn’t  _ try  _ to cause trouble, but he too often ended up in less than favorable situations. It was as though wherever he went, bad luck would follow. 

Case in point, the time he’d gone out to get coffee and accidentally became the middleman for a drug deal. 

Or the time his fingerprints were found on a murder weapon that he’d actually never seen in his life. 

It had gotten so bad in his junior year that, whenever he’d walked through the front door (usually looking like a kicked puppy), Kun had made it a point to say, “It wasn’t your fault” in lieu of a greeting. 

Hendery started to question why people who looked like him ended up doing such weird shit, since he was usually the one who got blamed. 

Yangyang’s personal favorite of these occurrences was the time that one of his friends had discovered the existence of a pornstar who was almost identical to him. 

Kun had tried really hard not to laugh.

Yangyang had apologized for harassing him about it, but instead started blaring “Mia Khalifa” on his phone whenever he walked into the room. 

He only stopped when Hendery started blackmailing him with his old anime fanfiction. 

They didn’t smile at each other for a whole week.

Kun’s blood pressure went up.

It was never anything serious. They’d fight and annoy each other like brothers do, and they’d soon forget about it and go back to whatever they were doing. 

Kun, who was an only child, stressed out at even the slightest signs of animosity between his sons. 

He was also prone to panic attacks, and had tried to keep it from his kids for as long as possible. 

It had been a good idea in theory, considering that Kun really didn’t want either of them to start worrying about him, but as soon as Hendery had found out, he’d kind of lost it. 

There was a lot of yelling about trust, but by the end of it, they’d agreed not to let Yangyang know. 

Despite the fact that he was only a year younger than Hendery, they’d felt a lot more protective of him. 

Yangyang was sensitive. He took a lot to heart, and was quick to act based only off of his emotions. 

He often became aggressive and irrational, and no one wanted that.

Kun tried his best to appear calm, even as Yangyang’s behavior at school got more and more delinquent, and Hendery’s misfortune seemed to intensify. 

Hendery appreciated Kun’s efforts, and found consolation in the fact that no one else was being hurt by his mishaps. 

That was, until he died. 

Hendery died with someone else’s letter in his pocket, someone he’d only spoken to once. 

Someone who was in love with his  _ brother _ . 

It was completely fucked up luck on so many levels, and now, he wasn’t the only one affected by it. 

Xiaojun was too quiet and kind to have something like this happen to him. 

Still, he’d never been scared, he’d never complained, he’d simply went along with whatever Hendery had told him to do.

That was his worst decision. 

Hendery had managed to get them both completely screwed using only his voice.

Xiaojun had never done anything drastic, and remained a lot calmer than anyone else would have been in his position. He even went along with Hendery’s next mistake, composed as usual. 

That was the first time one of Hendery’s fuck-ups ever made someone smile. 

He didn’t understand why Xiaojun could be happy with something that would cause both of them so many problems, but he didn’t say anything about it. 

Xiaojun’s joy sent gave Hendery a sudden burst of motivation, and he decided, right there, that he could fix this. 

All he had to do was speak. 

Maybe that decision would be his last mistake, or maybe it would be his first success. 

“You don’t need to feel so alone.” Yangyang had told him so many years ago as they sat in the darkness near the convenience store. “You have me. I’ll always be here for you.”

“Until we die?” Hendery had asked softly.

There was a second of silence as they both contemplated this.

“No,” Yangyang eventually laughed, eyes reflecting the neon light from above, “Even after that.”

  
  



	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we’re back at again with part one of today’s double update 
> 
> yeah this chapters pretty bland but it moves the story along 
> 
> working title: xiaojun is reduced to a supporting character and realizes it

“Your brother wants to talk to you.” 

Seeing the incredulous look he got from Yangyang, Xiaojun knew he was in deep shit. 

Maybe being blunt wasn’t the way to go. 

“You.. He what?” 

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. Apparently, backspacing spoken words wasn’t possible. Xiaojun really tried. 

Well, it could only get worse from here. 

“He’d like to speak to you.” Xiaojun repeated slowly. 

Yangyang slumped back against the bench. 

They were back at the apple orchard, where it had all started. Xiaojun’s cast seemed to grow more uncomfortable at the memory. 

“Xiaojun,” Yangyang started, equally slow, “My brother’s dead.” 

“I’m well aware.”

Yangyang resorted to sitting in a perplexed silence. Xiaojun didn’t even know where to begin. 

You can’t very well say, “I’ve actually been talking to your brother every day after his death but I didn’t tell you because he thought you’d be freaked out also you can’t tell your dad,” and expect the poor kid not to have a heart attack. 

“I.. He’s dead, Xiaojun.” 

“I know. He still wants to talk to you.” 

Yangyang started laughing nervously. “If this is your idea of a prank, I might need to break up with you.”

They both went stock-still at that one.

“Not that I-- we, well--”

Alarms started sounding in Xiaojun’s brain, and he quickly shifted his gaze to the grass before them. 

_ Ignore, ignore, ignore-- _

“It’s not a prank. I’m not pranking you.” 

Yangyang’s laughing subsided with a soft intake of breath.

“He’s still around, you know. I mean, not alive, but still, like, there.” Xiaojun bit his tongue. Semi-intentionally. 

“Wh--” He scoffed. “What does that  _ mean _ ?”

“I don’t.. See him.”

“Good, because I was about to personally escort you to the nearest psychiatrist.” 

Xiaojun winced. “No, that’s not what I mean.” 

“What do you mean, then?” Yangyang turned to him, his face devoid of emotion.   
  


“I-- listen to me.” 

“I’m listening to you!” He said sharply.

Fuck ‘winced’, Xiaojun’s face was frozen in a kind of half wince that probably looked like he’d stepped on an earthworm or something. 

Sure felt like he did. 

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry.” 

Yangyang threw his hands up. “What are you apologizing for?!” 

Xiaojun was fairly sure his heart had started imploding in on itself, and all he could really do was bury his face in his hands and sigh for a long second. 

“This isn’t funny. This was never funny.” Yangyang said quietly. 

“It’s not supposed to be.”

There was an eternity of silence as Xiaojun sat there with his head in his hands, heart racing for a reason he didn’t understand.

“Well?”

“Well what?” 

“Are you gonna sit there looking miserable or are you gonna explain what the fuck you’re talking about?” 

Yangyang cracked an only somewhat pathetic half-smile that Xiaojun really tried his best to return. 

“Are you sure?” He asked. 

“What do you mean, ‘am I sure’? This is my brother we’re talking about.” 

The words sounded eerily familiar. 

“Wh- where do I start?” 

“.. Preferably at the beginning.” 

And that was where Xiaojun started. 

The day at the library, the way he fell so gracelessly as Hendery essentially collapsed into his pile of textbooks, the shared smiles, the smudged Sharpie heart that still sat on the pale material of his cast. 

Xiaojun could see Yangyang sinking a little lower every time he heard his brother’s name. 

But he kept going, past seeing the letter and hearing the same familiar voice over and over, the way Hendery banged his head into the wall when he’d first gone to dinner, the email situation, all the medications, all the yelling, all the times Xiaojun had physically felt Hendery’s presence, his smile, heard his laugh, wanting nothing more than his happiness--

Xiaojun had conveniently left out key parts, knowing that Yangyang could read him like a book. 

He himself had grown steadily more disconnected, feeling as though he was drifting away from both Hendery and Yangyang at the same time.

But it was the right thing to do. 

It seemed that Xiaojun had relapsed into his old ways, putting others’ happiness before his own well-being. 

After all, what was he worth if he didn’t help anyone?

By the time he’d reached the end, the only response he received was a skeptical look.

“I have to ask--” 

“I’m not crazy.” 

“Oh,” Yangyang sputtered, “I didn’t, I..” 

“It’s fine.” 

Xiaojun’s voice had grown blank to match the faraway look on his face. 

He felt drained of emotion, but couldn’t really blame himself. 

“He did all of this for you.” 

“Hmm?” 

Xiaojun smiled, a bittersweet expression. He saw reds and blues and greens clouding his vision all at once, but blinked his way to clarity. 

“He didn’t want you to be sad. I was supposed to be a replacement, of sorts.” 

“What? No!” Yangyang protested. 

“No, it’s true. There’s nothing wrong with it. I might have done the same in his position.” He looked up to where the clouds had grown stationary, time freezing around them. 

They remained in motion as everything in the world went still. 

“I thought it was my fault that he died.” 

Xiaojun tilted his head. “He never wanted to die. It was what they call an ‘accidental suicide’.” 

Yangyang raised an eyebrow before laughing softly, eyes welling up. “He did have horrible luck.” 

The clouds began to move again, painting the sky with streaks of pink and purple as the sun disappeared behind the horizon.

“What do I have to do?”

“Hmm?” 

“I want to see him.” Yangyang’s voice sounded as though it was fading away. 

“Really?” 

“I miss him, Xiaojun. So much. Just tell me what I have to do.” 

Xiaojun blinked, remembering what Hendery had told him to say. 

“He said you have to run away.” 

His gaze drifted back to the sky, where stars were slowly gathering. 

There was no moon above, and the last of the light was disappearing steadily. 

Shrouded in darkness, Xiaojun offered a final smile. “That’s all you have to do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please read the next chapter as well!


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part two of the double update! 
> 
> bro we’ve passed 20k this is the longest thing i’ve ever written 
> 
> aaaaaaaaaaaa
> 
> oh oh right.. this chapter is something new! if you’ve read the dear evan hansen novel, you know that one of the chapters near the end is narrated by connor while the others are all evan. 
> 
> since i’ve been alternating between xiaojun and hendery for this whole fic, for a chapter that serves a similar purpose, i chose to include yangyang’s pov. 
> 
> just for a change, i guess. this will be the only chapter from his perspective, though. 
> 
> okay that’s it enjoy!!

It was just another chilly day.

The neon sign advertising the convenience store had since faded, occasionally flickering in and out with a soft buzz. 

The air was laden with the fresh, sharp scent of rain, and every breath Yangyang took felt like taking several knives to his lungs. 

It wasn’t particularly unpleasant, surprisingly. 

He wandered around aimlessly for a short while, unsure if he was to be expecting something to happen. 

Quite honestly, Yangyang felt like a blithering idiot. 

A good amount of time had passed, and he’d quickly grown tired of kicking pebbles around and estimating the intervals at which the neon sign would flicker back to life.

A part of him was becoming more and more impatient, yearning for some kind of contact and tiring of staying silent for so long. 

Yangyang jammed his hands into his pockets as a particularly harsh gust of wind blew in his direction. 

The other part of him was so close to snapping, causing his past doubts to resurface and bringing an uncomfortable sinking feeling to his heart. 

This was a lie.

This is such a lie. 

How could he have been so _stupid_?

“Fuck this,” He muttered into the breeze, “I wanted to trust you.” 

It picked up again, sending his hair whipping into his face and chilling him to the bone. 

He glared into the distance, willing the image of Xiaojun’s smile to leave him. 

The wind didn’t calm this time. 

Yangyang dropped down to the curb, tucking his knees into his chest.

His heart had since grown heavier, and his throat was closing up. 

“Fuck you!” He choked out. “Fuck all of this.” 

_“You’re okay, you’re fine.”_

There were hands at his shoulders, but Yangyang didn’t look up. 

_“Hey.”_

Yangyang lifted his head about a centimeter before dropping his gaze back down again. 

“Nope.”

_“Y-”_

“Nope, nope, nope.” Tears had since gathered in his eyes, and every effort he made to blink them away ended up with them streaming down his cheeks. 

This seriously couldn’t be happening. 

_“Yangyang, please look at me.”_

“I’m going crazy.”

_“No, you’re not, please just fucking look at me.”_

“You’re not here. He’s lying.” Yangyang was not at all conscious of what he was saying, too focused on the panic that was not at all far from consuming him.

_“He only lied because I told him to.”_

Yangyang looked up. 

Of all possible things, Hendery looked scared. 

So scared. 

Yangyang slapped him across the face.

It was an accident. 

Kind of.

“How could you leave me like that?” He breathed. 

Hendery just looked even more scared. 

_“Are you dead?”_

“What?”

_“Are--”_

“No!”

_“Are you sure?”_ Hendery avoided eye contact.

“God, yes!”

They sat frozen for a few seconds, Hendery still facing the side with Yangyang staring at him like he’d never seen him before, like he was trying to memorize his features or something. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” He finally managed. 

Hendery looked askance, turning to face his brother. 

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean--”

_“No, it’s fine. Let it out.”_

“No!”

_“What do you mean, ’no’?”_

“I mean I’m not gonna be an absolute dick to you!”

Hendery scoffed. _“Too late.”_

Wow, Yangyang was bad at emotions. 

Technically, he always had been, but never _this_ bad. 

Hendery looked disheartened, and Yangyang froze. 

_“Do you know how much shit I went through to make sure you wouldn’t be sad? Do you know how much time I spent obsessing over your life, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to move on if you weren’t happy--”_

“Stop,” Yangyang choked out, “Please stop.”

Yangyang wasn’t a fan of physical contact, but he found his arms wrapped around his brother’s stiff figure, mostly because he had zero idea as to what else to do. 

_“I’m sorry, I’m really, really sorry.”_

“No, no, you’re okay, it’s my fault.” He exhaled heavily. “I-- I just miss you so much.”

Hendery conceded, kind of sinking down with a loud exhale. 

_“Nothing is your fault. I’m the one who went and died, after all.”_ He paused, like he was going to add something else but thought the better of it.

“I’m just a horrible person.” Yangyang blurted. 

_“Shh, that’s not true.”_

He laughed humorlessly, pulling away. “Name one other person who’d start insulting their dead brother to his face.”

Hendery looked like he was seriously considering it before cracking a smile. _“Xiaojun.”_

Yangyang snorted. “He’s too passive aggressive for that.”

_“True.”_

“Anyways, we’re not here to talk about him,” Yangyang deflected, cheeks coloring. “How’ve you been?” 

Dumb question. 

Hendery raised an eyebrow. _“Man, death is not it. You can’t do anything. Can’t talk to people, can’t even interact with anything.”_

Yangyang nodded, smiling to keep from crying. 

_“Unless, of course, some random kid with depression from your school also has the ability to talk to ghosts. But that doesn’t happen often.”_ He glanced at Yangyang. _“You know about that, right?”_

Yangyang just nodded again, feeling numb. 

How painful it must be, for someone so lively..

_“Yeah, he probably told you everything already. Well, not everything.”_

They both turned to stare at the ground. 

Yangyang wished he could use reaction memes in conversation. He’d probably use the “I pretend I do not hear” one. 

He pursed his lips, now trying not to laugh. 

Well, at least he knew what Hendery had meant when he used to say he was “mood swinging for a real one.” 

Perhaps it was a coping mechanism. 

“Most things.” He managed. 

Hendery nodded passively. _“I think I’m bi.”_ He blurted suddenly. 

Yangyang blinked. “Oh. Cool.” He paused. “Maybe I’ll get Dad to bake you a cake.” 

Hendery laughed. _“Please don’t. Please don’t tell him about any of this.”_

Yangyang went back to nodding in silence, trying to sort through all the thoughts in his brain. 

Hendery hesitated. _“Are you okay?”_

Now it was Yangyang’s turn to blurt something. “What aren’t you telling me?”

_“Oh, that.”_ Hendery just stared at him for a long moment. _“Nothing you need to worry about. We’re just more alike than you might think.”_ He added as an afterthought, a smile tugging at his lips. 

“Huh?” 

Hendery smiled. _“Don’t think about it too hard. Look, I have to go.”_

“You what?” And just like that, the panic was back again. 

_“We’ll see each other again, don’t worry. All you have to do is ask.”_

“But--”

_“I’m serious. Just ask.”_

Yangyang blinked, closing his eyes for just a second too long. 

When he opened them, he was alone again. 

The neon sign flickered on and didn’t go out for a long moment, casting a red glow onto the pavement. 

“See you later.” He sighed, words carried away by another gust of wind. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, lots of love you all of you!!


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah yes, the beginning of the end. 
> 
> sorry, it’s kind of short. took me over two hours tho. rewrote it 7 times. i promise, this is the best i could do.
> 
> also sorry i went and died for like a week
> 
> p.s. i went on ao3 on a computer for the first time and nearly cried because of how beautiful it was yeah i do all this on my phone

It had always been a simple one, Xiaojun’s plan for Hendery’s happiness. 

Sure, it had gone temporarily off course, but it had never changed.

Two steps. Easy. 

He was supposed to explain the situation, and then leave without giving Xiaojun a second thought. 

Now that the first half was complete, the final step felt so much farther away. 

They were driving again. 

When Xiaojun had found him by the curb long after Yangyang had left, he’d asked, “Where do you want to go now?” 

Hendery had looked up as the wind had calmed just enough for his hair to stop whipping into his eyes. _“Anywhere.”_

Nowhere was far enough.

He shifted his gaze, bored with thinking the same thoughts and feeling the same things. 

Hendery wanted to feel nothing for once. 

Xiaojun’s fingers were drumming against the wheel, his eyes trained on the road as though he would crash the car if he blinked. 

_“Well, we did it.”_ Hendery said hesitantly.

Xiaojun only nodded in response, still unblinking. 

Ouch. 

_“Are- are we not gonna talk about this?”_

“What’s there to say?” He replied blankly, and Hendery shrunk down in his seat. 

_“You’re fine with it. That’s good.”_ Hendery muttered.

The drumming stopped, and Xiaojun tilted his head.

“I regret everything.” 

He turned to face the trees as rain began to mark the windows. _“I know.”_

“I- I just wanted you to be happy.”

_“I know.”_

“I just fucked everything up, didn’t I?”

_“No, seriously, you didn’t do anything. It’s fine.”_

A beat. 

“It’s fine,” Xiaojun echoed, “This isn’t permanent.”

The drumming resumed again, faster than ever. 

Sure. Say the one thing that'll freak Hendery out the most, why don't you?

Actually, that was harsh.

Truthfully, Hendery was scared. He’d been given one decision to make throughout the whole ordeal, and was terrified that he was making the wrong choice. 

He was less worried about how it might make him look, considering he no longer had any semblance of a reputation, but he knew it would hurt like hell. 

And it would all be his fault.

_“I- I’m not coming back.”_

He bit his tongue.

Hendery shouldn't be this worried. All that it meant was that this was now a 'goodbye' instead of just a 'bye'.

Goodbye was a disgusting word. 

If it was a color, it would be green. Not even a nice green. A murky kind of sage, like bland tea and missed opportunities. 

Like an empty field in a thunderstorm at midnight. 

Hendery looked out of the window at the quickly passing trees, their rain-streaked leaves painted the color of goodbye.

It was necessary, though. The foliage would be nonexistent without it. 

He watched Xiaojun tense for a second. 

“So you lied to your brother?” 

It was more than clear that that was the least of his concerns, but Hendery still admired him for the question. He wondered how someone could so persistently put others before himself.

It pained him, too. 

_“No. I’ll see him.”_

_But not you._

It was in both of their best interests, Hendery reminded himself. All he had to do was leave, and Xiaojun would be happy. 

However, he'd like to think he knew the other boy well enough to predict his reaction. 

Spoiler alert: not a good one. 

_C’mon,_ he thought, _just say it. It’ll hurt less if you say it._

“What am I supposed to do, then?”

Xiaojun’s voice was still emotionless, but it was something.

Hendery stayed silent, trying not to physically freeze. 

“No.” Xiaojun muttered. 

_“Sorry?”_

“No, I’m not going to forget about you.” 

It was Hendery’s turn to tense. _“You’re just going to hurt yourself.”_

“I know that! You think I don’t know that?” 

Xiaojun hadn’t yelled at him before. Hendery bit his lip to suppress tears that he knew would never come.

Of all the reactions that Hendery had imagined, this was certainly the worst case scenario. 

_“I can’t let you do that to yourself--”_

“Why? Because you care about me too much?” He didn’t wait for a reply. “Do you know how badly I want to touch you, to kiss you--”

_“Why are you doing this?”_ Hendery choked out.

“Because I love you, Hendery!”

Silence. 

_“No, you don’t.”_

“And why not?” Xiaojun’s voice dropped back to its blank state. 

_“I’m dead, Xiaojun. You’re smarter than this. What am I supposed to do here?”_

Hendery turned to face Xiaojun, watching realization form in his eyes. 

Not realization. An idea.

Oh _no_. 

_“Jesus Christ, stop thinking like that! Has this whole mess taught you nothing?”_

“If I--”

_“Stop. Seriously, stop. I can’t do this.”_ He buried his face in his hands. 

The rain was calming to the point at which its absence was audible, and Hendery stayed there, unmoving for what felt like an eternity until Xiaojun spoke up again.

“I’m sorry.” 

Hendery could only manage to nod, realizing belatedly that, ha, he was still invisible and nothing had changed. He sat up, blinking a few times.

_“Okay, okay, it’s fine. We just need to clear a few things up.”_

Xiaojun nodded. 

Simple.

_“First off, you’re not going to die. Until you’re, like, supposed to. You’re not going to do.. That, or even think about it, or I swear to god I’ll hate you for eternity.”_

“Noted.” 

Hendery nearly laughed at that one. 

_“Second, I, under no circumstances, allow you to break my brother’s heart. He loves you so much, and it would kill him. Okay?”_

He received no response. 

_“Oh, come on. You love him just as much.”_

“Okay.”

_“Okay?”_

“Yup.” 

Hendery inhaled. _“And, finally, I really don’t want your last memory of me to be us fighting.”_

Xiaojun cracked a hesitant smile. “I thought I was supposed to forget about you?” 

Damn it. 

_“No-- I mean-- ugh.”_

“Sorry.” 

_“Yes, forget about me, but like, not that fast.”_

The sun began to peek over the horizon, and Xiaojun continued driving towards it. 

He'd imagined this to be cathartic, one last conversation before it was over for good. Instead of tying up loose ends, however, it just seemed to be creating new ones. 

Hendery chided himself for expecting any different, for he knew all too well what kind of people they were, and what happened when they were together. 

Nothing was ever set in stone, or clear cut.. With Xiaojun, existence was nothing but a mess of cryptic dialogue and concealed emotions.

And yet, the boy was the only one gifted with the ability to understand him. Strange how that worked out.

“You know what, Hendery?” 

_“Hmm?”_

“I’m sorry you had to die.”

Xiaojun’s voice was softer now, and Hendery just wanted to reach forward and run his fingers through his hair, or even just rest his hand at the back of his neck.

So close, but just out of reach. 

_“Me too.”_ He offered a meek smile. _“But what’s to come has to be better than what’s happened before, right?”_

Hendery wondered if Xiaojun would recognize the words, typed frantically at a library desktop by a boy that neither of them seemed to recognize anymore.

It seemed ages ago-- a time at which they hadn’t met, a time at which Xiaojun’s biggest worry was homework, and a time at which Hendery was still a stranger to love. 

He looked back out the windshield, where the sun had almost completely risen. 

Hendery wondered of the effect his presence had on Xiaojun. While he could imagine it, he was sure it was far from the truth. 

He'd ruined everything that Xiaojun had planned, hopes, dreams, goals.. And he had no way to apologize. 

Except, of course, leaving him behind so he could start again. 

They'd both been given second chances, but only one of them really needed it. 

_“You deserve a good life.”_

Xiaojun looked caught off guard, his smile growing slightly. “What’s this, all of a sudden?”

_“Shut up, I mean it. You’re going to go out there and have a great time without me.”_

“Am I, now?” 

_“Yes, you are. That’s an order.”_

Xiaojun laughed, and it was just as beautiful as the first time Hendery had heard it. 

“Okay, then. Whatever makes you happy.” 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so.. hendery’s story might be over for now, but xiaojun’s is just beginning.
> 
> (that’s my fancy way of telling you there’ll be an epilogue)


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we are, back again.

_Dear Hendery,_

_I’m predictable. I’m a predictable person._

_You know that better than most._

_So, I’ll start this letter the same way I’ve started all of the others-- by apologizing._

_‘Here we go again’, you must be thinking._

_That is, if you could see this. Can you see this?_

_Whoops, I’ve gotten off track already._

_Here we go. For real this time._

_I’m sorry._

_By this point, you probably know all that I’m apologizing for, but in case you’ve forgotten, I’ll repeat myself._

_(Like I said, I’m a predictable person.)_

_I’m sorry for all the times we fought. I probably should have known better than to be annoyed at someone who wasn’t even alive._

_Is that a low blow?_

_I mean, I’d assume that you’re accustomed to the idea of death at this point._

_And you’re never going to see this._

_mOviNg oN._

_I’m sorry for reacting so weirdly whenever you told me anything about yourself._

_I still don’t know why I was like that. I suppose I was kind of in shock about the fact that you were once a whole person, and not always just something that caused me to doubt my own sanity._

_I’m sorry you had to fall in love with me._

_Of all people, you chose one who was alive, and scared, and aggressive with you. You didn’t deserve that. You still don’t._

_I hope that wherever you are, whatever you are, you’ve found someone better than me._

_Someone who legitimately deserves you._

_If you haven’t yet, you will. I’m sure of it._

_I’m still not great with words, by the way. Please don’t get me wrong._

_You’re probably sick of seeing the word ‘sorry’ over and over, so I’m just going to apologize for one more thing and move on._

_I wish it didn’t end the way it did._

_In a perfect world, your ghost friend could have done some more of his magic, and we would still be able to see each other._

_It happened too fast._

_It all happened too fast._

_I understand that the whole “magic” aspect was never the real problem, but I don’t want to dive into the deep shit right now._

_Nevertheless, I’m sure I’ll end up mentioning it at some point or the other, so I might as well._

_You knew, even back then, that staying around would hurt both of us. You made the right choice._

_No matter how much it might have hurt (and still hurts), for both of us, you really gave everything up to spare my emotions._

_That kind of cancels out all of the little mini sacrifices I made to try and make you happy._

_I probably should have known that, in the end, it was never my place._

_You were in control of yourself, even in death._

_You knew what you wanted, and what you had to do, and made all the right decisions._

_I admire that. I admire you._

_I guess we’re even now._

_Maybe this is the catharsis we both wanted for long._

_Acknowledging that we both gave stuff up for each other, and we both ended up where we wanted to be._

_Well, kind of, anyways._

_I wonder what you’re doing right now._

_Maybe you’ve made some more ghost friends._

_You’ve definitely made some ghost friends. Maybe you can introduce me once I join you._

_Which won’t be for a long time._

_I miss you, but I’m not stupid._

_Your brother misses you, too. So does your dad._

_But-- how did you put it? They’re getting used to the new normal._

_It’s obviously hard on them, but there’s nothing either of us can do about that._

_Do you ever think about what would have happened if the roles were reversed?_

_I mean, if I had died and you had lived._

_I sometimes think that’s the way it should have been._

_I’d have no one to miss, and no one would miss me._

_Except maybe Renjun and Chenle._

_You three would have got along so well. You have the same fucked up sense of humor and everything._

_Anyways, I don’t think I would have been strong enough to stay in existence after my death, as you did. I’ve always kind of been a weak person. Don’t bother denying it._

_But, in the case that I did, you.. I’m sure you would have treated me a hell of a lot better than I treated you._

_There’s so much that I would have done differently._

_Wow, regret. Kind of just hits you like a train, right?_

_It’s over now; I need to keep reminding myself of that._

_It’s over._

_You’re where you are, and I’m where I am._

_Nothing can change that, it’s true._

_..._

_Maybe I should be more optimistic._

_Let’s try that again._

_Hendery--_

_We don’t know what the future holds. No one does._

_All that I know is that, for the both of us, it’s going to be good._

_Why?_

_Because you’re you, and I’m me._

_And that’s enough._

_Sincerely,_

Xiaojun

  
_P.S. I’m forgetting about you. I am. This is me forgetting about you._

_P.P.S. ~~i’m in detention again can you tell jesus not to freak out or whatever-~~ Yangyang says hello._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, it took three months. but i finished this goddamn fic. 
> 
> thank you to everyone who’s supported me this far. 
> 
> i still cant believe that this is over.. it feels like the end of an era. 
> 
> *laughs* but i’m so glad it’s done. i started regretting writing this around chapter 6. 
> 
> 24 is a nice number, dont you think? yeah, it’s nice. 
> 
> i’m going to be taking a break from writing for a bit. it kind of hurts to work my ass off and never make any progress, quality wise. 
> 
> if anything, the quality of my writing has seemed to decline. 
> 
> and i say i’ll take a break, but i know i’ll be back at some point soon because writing bad stuff is an addiction. 
> 
> if you’re reading this, i’m pinning another apology to the end of this chapter. one from me to all of you. 
> 
> i’m sorry you had to read this. i worked too hard to orphan it, but i’m certainly not proud of this. 
> 
> i’m sorry you’ve had to deal with me, and if you’ve read any of my other works, i’m sorry about that. 
> 
> but i too should be more positive. 
> 
> thank you for being here. 
> 
> i love you. all of you. 
> 
> stay safe, stay happy, and be yourself, because you are enough, and you are loved. 
> 
> -hypegirl

**Author's Note:**

> hit me up on [instagram](https://instagram.com/dear.__.dream?igshid=16hz0xg0t0p70) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/rmstzngn)~


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